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Success Traps that Sabotage: Gold Medal Excuse Number Three – “But They NEED Me!”

March 8th, 2010, No Comments »

This week I’m continuing to share “gold medal” excuses—excuses that stop us in our tracks and can get us VERY stuck in the pursuit out of overwhelm, away from overeating, and toward our best lives.

Many women get to be so busy and successful (in part) because they are so darn good at taking care of other people. A talent for nurturing is a great skill, and many of us have lots of practice at being kind, responsible, caring and aware of the needs of others.

The problem:  some women are so busy nurturing others that they’ve forgotten how (or don’t feel entitled) to nurture themselves. All that great caring, compassion and attention gets focused outward and very little energy is left over for replenishing. Giving away all our best stuff to others—because they need us–is a path that leads to depletion. All the energy gets paid out and not enough fuel comes in to allow us to really be at our best. The irony—when WE aren’t at our best, we don’t have our best to give. In the long run, everyone—including those whose care we prioritize—has to settle for second best.

The truth?

You may have people in your life who DO need you. A lot. I’m not disputing that, but having others need us doesn’t cancel out our own needs. Acknowledging this reality creates some dilemmas, uncomfortable situations, and conflict. That’s the reality, and denying our own needs is not a viable answer. Women can get very stuck when they try to avoid interpersonal discomfort, and respond to these dilemmas by consistently letting their own wishes and needs drop to the bottom of their priority list. The hard truth that some resist mightily, is that sometimes we have to say very difficult nos to others because we also need some yesses for ourselves.

You do have people who need you, and you’re one of them. You are one of those people who needs you.  Self care is not an either-or proposition even though your inner critic might tell you otherwise. Yes, you might have a little voice that tells you it’s “selfish” to focus on yourself or to take time for that yoga class or to ask the family to change their eating habits to accommodate your needs. But it isn’t. It’s important (more about that later).  This isn’t about not doing for others so that you can do for you, it’s about redividing the pie chart of your time and energy so that you get a piece too.  It’s about including yourself and your needs and wants on the to-do list. In the end, everyone’s piece on the pie chart may be a bit smaller, but the quality of the time and energy you have to distribute is likely to be far better.

They DO need you to be there for them—especially during difficult times. And they appreciate you being in top form—ready and able to respond. Managing your own health and stress are essential so that you can be present when you most need and want to be. No one is very helpful when they are exhausted, burnt out and irritable. When we get what we need and when our spirit is well fed, we have more energy, are more focused, more creative, more confident, and more effective. We’re also more vibrant and we bring more of who we really are and our unique gifts to the table.

We lead by example. Here’s one that nurturers often forget. When we live a pattern of neglecting our own needs so that we can respond to others, we are modeling this to those who are watching. We learn some of our most powerful lessons by example and we teach them as well. Most women I speak with want their children and others that they care about to eventually be able to stand up for themselves, to draw a clear boundary when necessary and to feel able to say no to certain requests. They want others to feel their best, to be healthy, to get regular exercise. eat well, and get the rest and care they need. If you are raising children, than you are the one showing them how to do these things. You are modeling whether  it is or isn’t acceptable to prioritize your own well being and happiness. We have a choice. We can model martyrdom or we can model a way of caring and compassion that also reflects the value that we give to our selves.

It isn’t easy. In fact, sometimes, claiming the time and energy we need to be our best is a daunting challenge.  It’s not something we need to perfect, but it is something that we need to aim for–consistently. Having the goal in our sites, and feeling entitled to pursue it, makes all the difference.

Take good care,

Why Resolutions Fail–Reason #3: Glossing over the realities of your life

February 12th, 2010, No Comments »

This is the third in a series of posts on why resolutions fail and why goals aren’t achieved. You can find the previous two posts here and here.

Life happens. Somewhere along the line you’re going to have a business trip, you’ll get the flu, you’ll fight with your partner, you’ll have a really tough day or week or month. When the going gets tough, the majority of resolutions fall apart.

Too many resolutions were created by people wearing rose colored glasses.

I’m all for positive thinking and optimism, but a plan that is going to endure has to include a plan for rough patches and even lapses in action—because they happen. Consider the challenges you are likely to face as you move forward towards your goal. Take note of the places you’ve gotten tangled up in any past attempts. Make a note of upcoming events that are likely to disrupt your schedule or interfere with your focus. Start to think proactively about how you want to respond to the realities of your life. Craft a “Plan B” for time-crunched days, find a support system for the areas you might not know how to address, imagine yourself re-starting if you stop. Be honest with yourself about your strengths and your vulnerabilities. Leverage the positive and be realistic about the rest. You’ll be amazed at the difference this makes.

Take good care,

Why Resolutions Fail–Reason #2: Planning for Perfection

February 10th, 2010, 2 Comments »

If I had a dollar for every get-healthy-lose-weight-get-in-better-shape resolution that was sabotaged by all-or-nothing, perfectionistic thinking, I’d be writing this blog from my villa in the south of France. Healthy lifestyle change is quickly sunk by the mindset that if you don’t get it perfect one hundred percent of the time you’ve failed.

It may sound silly when I write it this way, but have you ever:

• Overeaten at the end of the day and then decided that “now that you’ve blown it” you might as well eat some more?
• Lost motivation because you weren’t making it to the gym as often as you’d planned so quit going all-together?
• Decided that since you overate last night and there’s a party on the weekend you might as well wait until Monday to restart your weight loss plan?

These, my friend, are examples of perfectionism. They reflect the philosophy that you have to get it perfect in order to take action at all. Perfectionism also includes the belief that if it isn’t perfect, it isn’t any good.

The problem is, none of us is perfect, we’ll never hit one hundred percent all the time, and if that is our definition of success, we’ll always fall short. For most of us, that’s pretty discouraging—not a great motivator when you’re looking for making changes that you can stick with over the long haul.

My advice: instead of aiming for perfect, aim for doing your best. Know that even the worst choice can be followed by a good one. If you are someone who tends to think of “restarting” and “failing” or “blowing it,” start retraining yourself to think of the goals you are pursuing as long term. You don’t need every step to be brilliant, you just need to keep taking steps in the right direction.

Take good care,

Why Resolutions Fail and We Don’t Reach Our Goals

February 8th, 2010, No Comments »

It’s February and the crowds at the gym (all those people who made New Year’s resolutions) are thinning out. The kids are back in school, the holidays are long gone, and most of us are in the midst of “real life.” Are your goals and dreams still a part of your reality, or has your zeal and motivation started to fade?

The January “honeymoon phase” may be behind us, but this is actually a perfect time to tweak your plan (or revamp it completely) so that you can go the distance and achieve those goals you’ve set for yourself. The truth is, having things not go the way you had anticipated can be a great opportunity to learn how your plan holds up to real life and identify what changes need to be made so that you can stay on track for the long haul.

This week I’m going to share three reasons that even the most dynamic resolutions might not be getting you where you want to go:

Reason for failure #1: Failure to plan
“The road to hell is paved with good intentions.” A resolution or an idea is not a plan, it’s an intention. Many busy people err by jumping into action—any kind of action–without investing the time to create a clear, do-able, sustainable plan. If your weight loss resolution fell apart because it was simply based on “eat less,” you might want to take a step back and craft a strategy that includes how you’ll address any triggers to overeat, how you want to respond to physical hunger and cravings, and what other strategies you can put in place to maximize your effectiveness.

Change is not a one shot deal. It’s never too late to reevaluate your approach and create or re-craft your plan of attack. Take a look at any areas of your life that aren’t moving forward and ask yourself what plan or strategy you’d like to use to get them into motion. Be as specific as possible and don’t gloss over the actual “what” and “when” of any actions that you are going to take.

Take good care,

Simple Self Care Tips

February 5th, 2010, No Comments »

Whether you are nurturing a business or career, a family, an intimate relationship, or a secret dream, your time and energy are the most valuable commodities you possess. No matter how wisely you spend them, the truth is that they are limited in supply and extremely precious.

Another truth: productivity and energy both depend on fuel. Just like our cars, when we aren’t fueled and properly maintained, we don’t run well. When we don’t give ourselves the experiences and care that allow us to be at our best—we simply aren’t our best. We don’t perform at our potential, we don’t have our best gifts to give to others, and we simply don’t feel as good as we could. We don’t shine.

We all need quality fuel (and I’m talking about a lot more than food here) to fuel the full, vibrant, unique life that only we can live. It doesn’t have to be difficult or radical.

Here are some simple steps to nurturing yourself so that you are well-primed for the actions you want to take (and whatever else life throws at you):

1. Take five minutes every day to check in with yourself. Really. Take a breath, see how your body is feeling, note what’s on your mind and pay attention to your stress level. Ask yourself what you need. Don’t skip this step. You have to be paying attention to anything (or anyone) that you want to take good care of. If it helps, write down the things that you need and keep the list where you can see it.
2. Learn to rest when you are tired. Yes, I know you are busy and you may think that you have too much to do to stop and rest. But here’s what really happens. When we don’t allow ourselves the breaks and the rest that we need, we start going in circles. Our ability to focus and concentrate is reduced. Our productivity goes down. We forget things. Often, we are so tired and unmotivated that we don’t really do the things that we need to move forward but end up wasting our dwindling energy and time on “busy work” instead that tricks us into feeling productive. OR instead of stopping and resting, we keep moving doing mindless kinds of activities like surfing the internet or watching TV we don’t care about. We don’t get refueled and we lose time that we could be using to replenish ourselves. Practice stopping. Rediscover naps. Go to bed on time. If you are getting nowhere on a project–what about a five minute break doing something delightful and refueling?
3. Do one lovely thing for yourself every day. It’s the intention and the follow through that count here—not the size of the action. It may be giving yourself a pedicure or giving yourself permission to say “no” to something you don’t want to do. It may be flowers on your desk. Give yourself permission for indulgence.  Every day.
4. Start collecting energy boosters. Make a list of small, ten minute acts that make you feel better. This is hard for many women, so don’t be afraid to start small. Some ideas to get you started:

• Putting on music that makes you happy
• Spending a few minutes outdoors
• Changing your clothes
• Laughing
• Hugging someone you love
• Making a list of your accomplishments
• Stretching, moving, or dancing around the room

My challenge to you: try these steps out, find what works for you, add to the list, then repeat, repeat, repeat. The real key here is getting into the rhythm of paying attention to the fuel you are getting and learning the tricks and the strategies that keep you fueled, happy, and thriving.

Take good care,

Small Steps: How to Find Energy and Lose Irritations

January 25th, 2010, No Comments »

This is the second post in my series on making small, sustainable changes that will increase my energy, decrease my stress, and just plain make my life work better.

This weekend my computer stopped working.  Stopped. Working. When it did, I had to admit that the complete breakdown had been a long time coming. In fact, as my computer repair savior kept calling with questions about what he was finding, I kept finding myself saying, “Yes, it’s been doing that for awhile,” and “Yes, that hasn’t been working quite right.” Turns out, that there had been a growing list of problems I had been tolerating because I didn’t feel like I had the time or energy to address them. And they had built up until the whole thing broke down.

That can happen when we try to ignore things that are not working.

The computer was fixable and I got it back late Sunday night. It works—and actually, it works better than it has in awhile. Using my new glitch-free computer, I’m realizing how much energy, tension, irritation, and distraction was caused by using one that didn’t work the way I needed to—it wasn’t performing and in the back of my mind (where I was trying not to think about it), I was worrying about what was going to happen next and creating stress and wasting energy by NOT making a decision or taking action.

It wears a woman out.

I realized it was time to take a look at what I’m tolerating and what is draining my energy—quietly and in the background. This week, I’m creating a list of everything that occurs to me that I am tolerating but that isn’t working for me. Everything. This includes the scissors that need to be sharpened, the pile on my desk I’ve been ignoring, and bigger issues like needing to hire someone to do some specialized work for me. I’m writing it all down.

This does not mean that I am feeling pressured to take immediate action on each of these items. That would stress me out and overload me. It does mean that I am noticing areas of my life that I want to be different and acknowledging that they aren’t working for me right now—instead of trying not to think about them.

What I know from doing this in the past is that this is an easy yet powerful exercise. I encourage you to try it. What I find, and so do clients who try this, is that simply noting what isn’t working often starts to create change—often pretty effortlessly. If you are like me, much of what you are tolerating can begin to be addressed with a phone call, a ten minute conversation, a decision to spend a few minutes a day moving forward. In the end, it took a conversation to find my computer savior, a short drive to drop off the computer, a few phone calls back and forth, and a small payment (well worth it)—less time and energy than I had spent rebooting my computer over the last week.

My question for you: what are you tolerating and what is the toll it is taking?

Take good care,

5 Easy Healthy Lifestyle Tips

January 20th, 2010, 5 Comments »

Just thinking about shaping up, losing weight, or eating healthier makes many women exhausted. Changing habits is hard work, but sometimes we approach healthy lifestyle changes in the most difficult way possible. Instead of picking your biggest challenge, consider starting where you know you can be effective, where you can get some lasting bang for your buck, and where you can start growing motivation and momentum.

Here are five relatively painless and struggle-free tips to help you create lasting healthy habits:

1. Get some zzzzzs. Sleep affects just about everything we do and without enough sleep, we all tend to unravel. Inadequate sleep affects your cravings, your metabolism, your energy level, mood, activity, focus and motivation. If you aren’t regularly getting seven hours of sleep a night (or more) this is the first area to address. If you are exhausted and try to keep going, you aren’t likely to be effective and you’ll probably be drawn to mindless “zoning out” activities that are really just busy work. Go to sleep instead.
2. Identify your trouble spots. Don’t just focus on what you want to do. Be smart and identify the things that have led you off track in the past. A positive attitude is great, but a proactive plan for how you will do it differently this time is even better.
3. Grow tools for managing emotions and stress. Emotional eating (including stress eating) is one of the primary causes of overeating, weight gain, and weight regain. Without the strategies you need, stressful situations can trigger very unhealthy (and self-sabotaging) responses such as overeating, smoking, alcohol use, avoidance, or numbing out in front of the computer.  Hard times are also the time when many women abandon or lose track of health, fitness, and wellness goals. Instead of only focusing on what you’ll eat or when you’ll work out, invest some energy in addressing any real issues that are the trigger for the habits you are trying to kick.
4. Don’t lose yourself. One of the biggest reasons that busy women get off track is that they get distracted by other life demands. Designate a time to check in with yourself—at least weekly—and evaluate how things are going. Use this time to schedule the additional time you’ll need throughout the week for exercise, stress relief, meal planning, etc. Post your goals somewhere where you will see them and be reminded of them regularly. Make sure you identify milestones along the way to your big goal and reward yourself for reaching them.
5. Keep it positive. Don’t ignore your mindset—it has the power to impact your mood, your energy level, your choices and your progress. Focus on what you’ve done rather than what didn’t happen. Acknowledge the accomplishments (change is difficult) and celebrate your achievements along the way. Adopt the mantra, “I’m doing my best” instead of “I have to get it perfect” and you’ll be much better prepared to keep going when the going gets tough, recognize your progress and your efforts, and take good care of yourself along the way.

Take good care,

Could You Use a Me-treat?

January 18th, 2010, No Comments »

When life is coming at you fast and furious, how do you take the time to create an effective response? How do you pause long enough to create a blueprint that will effectively help you achieve your goals and be your best self? While it would be great to escape to a deserted island and regroup, that’s usually not possible. However, a retreat from the day-to-day that allows you to focus on what’s important to you and create a plan to show up the way you want to in your life can be essential sometimes. And easier said than done.

I’ve designed a new program to address this issue specifically—with women who have too much on their plates specifically in mind. It’s called the Too Much On Her Plate Metreat and we kick things off in just over a week. If this speaks to you, I’d love to have you join us.

Take good care,

Is “Me-time” Worth the Trouble?

January 6th, 2010, No Comments »

Creating time for ourselves all-too-often falls to the bottom of our priority lists–or slides off the darn list completely. Today I posted over at the Solo Entrepreneur Blog (Solo-e) on four steps to creating time for yourself and how this can benefit both your life and your business.  Repeat after me: “Me-time is NOT a luxury!”

Take good care,

Me-time is NOT a McDrink (That’s Emotional Eating)

December 21st, 2009, No Comments »

Want tips on how to really get the me-time you need? Join me for a free teleseminar.