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Success Traps that Sabotage: Gold Medal Excuse Number Three – “But They NEED Me!”

March 8th, 2010, No Comments »

This week I’m continuing to share “gold medal” excuses—excuses that stop us in our tracks and can get us VERY stuck in the pursuit out of overwhelm, away from overeating, and toward our best lives.

Many women get to be so busy and successful (in part) because they are so darn good at taking care of other people. A talent for nurturing is a great skill, and many of us have lots of practice at being kind, responsible, caring and aware of the needs of others.

The problem:  some women are so busy nurturing others that they’ve forgotten how (or don’t feel entitled) to nurture themselves. All that great caring, compassion and attention gets focused outward and very little energy is left over for replenishing. Giving away all our best stuff to others—because they need us–is a path that leads to depletion. All the energy gets paid out and not enough fuel comes in to allow us to really be at our best. The irony—when WE aren’t at our best, we don’t have our best to give. In the long run, everyone—including those whose care we prioritize—has to settle for second best.

The truth?

You may have people in your life who DO need you. A lot. I’m not disputing that, but having others need us doesn’t cancel out our own needs. Acknowledging this reality creates some dilemmas, uncomfortable situations, and conflict. That’s the reality, and denying our own needs is not a viable answer. Women can get very stuck when they try to avoid interpersonal discomfort, and respond to these dilemmas by consistently letting their own wishes and needs drop to the bottom of their priority list. The hard truth that some resist mightily, is that sometimes we have to say very difficult nos to others because we also need some yesses for ourselves.

You do have people who need you, and you’re one of them. You are one of those people who needs you.  Self care is not an either-or proposition even though your inner critic might tell you otherwise. Yes, you might have a little voice that tells you it’s “selfish” to focus on yourself or to take time for that yoga class or to ask the family to change their eating habits to accommodate your needs. But it isn’t. It’s important (more about that later).  This isn’t about not doing for others so that you can do for you, it’s about redividing the pie chart of your time and energy so that you get a piece too.  It’s about including yourself and your needs and wants on the to-do list. In the end, everyone’s piece on the pie chart may be a bit smaller, but the quality of the time and energy you have to distribute is likely to be far better.

They DO need you to be there for them—especially during difficult times. And they appreciate you being in top form—ready and able to respond. Managing your own health and stress are essential so that you can be present when you most need and want to be. No one is very helpful when they are exhausted, burnt out and irritable. When we get what we need and when our spirit is well fed, we have more energy, are more focused, more creative, more confident, and more effective. We’re also more vibrant and we bring more of who we really are and our unique gifts to the table.

We lead by example. Here’s one that nurturers often forget. When we live a pattern of neglecting our own needs so that we can respond to others, we are modeling this to those who are watching. We learn some of our most powerful lessons by example and we teach them as well. Most women I speak with want their children and others that they care about to eventually be able to stand up for themselves, to draw a clear boundary when necessary and to feel able to say no to certain requests. They want others to feel their best, to be healthy, to get regular exercise. eat well, and get the rest and care they need. If you are raising children, than you are the one showing them how to do these things. You are modeling whether  it is or isn’t acceptable to prioritize your own well being and happiness. We have a choice. We can model martyrdom or we can model a way of caring and compassion that also reflects the value that we give to our selves.

It isn’t easy. In fact, sometimes, claiming the time and energy we need to be our best is a daunting challenge.  It’s not something we need to perfect, but it is something that we need to aim for–consistently. Having the goal in our sites, and feeling entitled to pursue it, makes all the difference.

Take good care,

Gold Medal Excuse Number Two: Exhaustion

March 4th, 2010, No Comments »

Gold Medal Excuses: Emotional Eating and Success Traps

This is the second in a series of Gold Medal Excuses. These are the excuses that win the gold. They are so compelling that they stop the game and leave women stuck and not getting where they want to go. Actually, that’s not quite accurate. These are the excuses that leave women working really hard but not moving in the direction that they want to go. You will find the first Gold Medal Excuse here.

Success Traps that Sabotage: Exhaustion

Many of you ARE exhausted and you are paying a huge price. Sleep deprivation is a big problem for busy women and it absolutely will contribute to you feeling:

• Less effective
• Less focused
• Hungry
• Stressed and overwhelmed
• Tense, irritable, and not at your best

Exhaustion is not only the product of sleep deprivation. Exhaustion happens when we run out of fuel. So if you are busy and you aren’t taking the time to eat and to energize with regular activity and with the kinds of things and people that feed your spirit, you are likely to feel run down and exhausted no matter how much sleep you get.  The issues of exhaustion and “no time” are very interrelated and it’s essential that you solve them, because if you don’t you won’t just stay stuck. You’ll burn out.

Guard your sleep fiercely. It’s essential fuel and 99 percent of us need at least 7-8 hours a night. It doesn’t work to cut back during the week and try to catch up on weekends. Sleep is an investment in yourself. If you aren’t getting enough than moving in that direction is the first step you need to take. If you’ve been walking around sleep-deprived for awhile, you’ll be amazed at the difference in how you feel.

Take an inventory of the activities in your life that exhaust you. Are you saying no regularly? Are you doing things that you resent or that waste your time? Could you set better boundaries? Are you open to delegating?

Make a list of the things and people that fuel you. How often are you replenishing your reserves in these areas? If your automatic response has to do with not having enough time, check out the tips here.

Repeat after me: Staying up late doesn’t help. The number one trap I see for women with too much on their plates? Women tend to get into a pattern of staying up late at night in an attempt to catch up, “rest up,” or capture some time alone. Trying to pay yourself at the end of the day almost always backfires. You are likely to overeat (emotional eating and exhaustion eating in the evening are problems for many women), exhaust yourself further, and fritter away the time you do stay awake because you are too tired to do anything else.

Stay tuned for the next Gold Medal Excuse–and feel free to share your favorites by adding a comment.

Take good care,

Gold Medal Excuse Number One: “I don’t have time!”

March 2nd, 2010, 1 Comment »

Gold Medal Excuses: Emotional Eating and Success Traps

“I’m late, I’m late, for a very important date.” ~ The March Hare

Here’s a question I am commonly asked: How do I prioritize when I truly have too much to do? When you run a company called Too Much On Her Plate, women email you their to-do lists. Really. And you women are BUSY.

I hear about the businesses you are running and the demanding careers that you have, the aging parents and growing children you are caring for, the relationships and household demands, the health concerns, and the late nights. Many of you see the link clearly between the overwhelming demands of your life and the stress and comfort eating, the weight gain, the lack of energy to exercise, and the difficulty getting where you want to go with your personal goals. And you are feeling frustrated because you don’t know what to do and don’t have the time to think about it or start doing anything differently.

I have news. This problem almost never solves itself. Time will never just show up—and honestly, if it does, you’ll probably find yourself so glad to have it that you just collapse into it and don’t really use it in a way that will benefit you. If you want to get off the hamster wheel, you are going to have to CLAIM some time.

Claiming time means that for now (not forever), you say no to something else in order to claim some time for you. It doesn’t have to be a week. It might be ten minutes. If it is, that’s a great start. Ten minutes devoted just to you and your goal may be more than you gave yourself yesterday. So claim it. Write it in your schedule. Decide in advance what you will do with it. Somebody just emailed me that she purchased my Emotional Eating Toolbox™ 28 Day Program but hasn’t had enough time to do it. Ten minutes a day won’t get it done in 28 days, but it WILL move her forward.

Write this down: Taking ten minutes counts.

Here’s the thing:

Action (even ten minutes) perpetuates action. Getting started—whatever your goal—is a momentous step and just that one act will get you over a hurdle.

Once you learn to carve out ten minutes and really leverage that time you are likely to see what ten minutes can accomplish. Many of us dismiss small actions as “not enough.” When we do that, we stay stuck. I bet you will find ten minute pockets in other places you haven’t been looking—on your commute, before the kids get up, while you are waiting for your computer to start up or your tea to brew. You may also start to see ways you can claim bigger chunks of time (wait until you see what you can do in 20 minutes).

Claiming the time you need for yourself and spending it on activity that is meaningful to you is rejuvenating. People who take regular breaks and who get the self care that they need have more energy.  They are more focused and accomplish more in less time. Claiming time will pay you back in ways that may surprise you.

Looking for time to claim will lead you to be more aware of how you spend your time—maybe not the big chunks of activity, but all the small pieces. It’s amazing the amount of time we give away to things that aren’t important, that we don’t really want to do, or to boredom, procrastination, or even difficulty getting started.

Don’t let not having time be an excuse. Set the timer and claim ten minutes. Today.

Take good care,

Why Resolutions Fail–Reason #3: Glossing over the realities of your life

February 12th, 2010, No Comments »

This is the third in a series of posts on why resolutions fail and why goals aren’t achieved. You can find the previous two posts here and here.

Life happens. Somewhere along the line you’re going to have a business trip, you’ll get the flu, you’ll fight with your partner, you’ll have a really tough day or week or month. When the going gets tough, the majority of resolutions fall apart.

Too many resolutions were created by people wearing rose colored glasses.

I’m all for positive thinking and optimism, but a plan that is going to endure has to include a plan for rough patches and even lapses in action—because they happen. Consider the challenges you are likely to face as you move forward towards your goal. Take note of the places you’ve gotten tangled up in any past attempts. Make a note of upcoming events that are likely to disrupt your schedule or interfere with your focus. Start to think proactively about how you want to respond to the realities of your life. Craft a “Plan B” for time-crunched days, find a support system for the areas you might not know how to address, imagine yourself re-starting if you stop. Be honest with yourself about your strengths and your vulnerabilities. Leverage the positive and be realistic about the rest. You’ll be amazed at the difference this makes.

Take good care,

Simple Self Care Tips

February 5th, 2010, No Comments »

Whether you are nurturing a business or career, a family, an intimate relationship, or a secret dream, your time and energy are the most valuable commodities you possess. No matter how wisely you spend them, the truth is that they are limited in supply and extremely precious.

Another truth: productivity and energy both depend on fuel. Just like our cars, when we aren’t fueled and properly maintained, we don’t run well. When we don’t give ourselves the experiences and care that allow us to be at our best—we simply aren’t our best. We don’t perform at our potential, we don’t have our best gifts to give to others, and we simply don’t feel as good as we could. We don’t shine.

We all need quality fuel (and I’m talking about a lot more than food here) to fuel the full, vibrant, unique life that only we can live. It doesn’t have to be difficult or radical.

Here are some simple steps to nurturing yourself so that you are well-primed for the actions you want to take (and whatever else life throws at you):

1. Take five minutes every day to check in with yourself. Really. Take a breath, see how your body is feeling, note what’s on your mind and pay attention to your stress level. Ask yourself what you need. Don’t skip this step. You have to be paying attention to anything (or anyone) that you want to take good care of. If it helps, write down the things that you need and keep the list where you can see it.
2. Learn to rest when you are tired. Yes, I know you are busy and you may think that you have too much to do to stop and rest. But here’s what really happens. When we don’t allow ourselves the breaks and the rest that we need, we start going in circles. Our ability to focus and concentrate is reduced. Our productivity goes down. We forget things. Often, we are so tired and unmotivated that we don’t really do the things that we need to move forward but end up wasting our dwindling energy and time on “busy work” instead that tricks us into feeling productive. OR instead of stopping and resting, we keep moving doing mindless kinds of activities like surfing the internet or watching TV we don’t care about. We don’t get refueled and we lose time that we could be using to replenish ourselves. Practice stopping. Rediscover naps. Go to bed on time. If you are getting nowhere on a project–what about a five minute break doing something delightful and refueling?
3. Do one lovely thing for yourself every day. It’s the intention and the follow through that count here—not the size of the action. It may be giving yourself a pedicure or giving yourself permission to say “no” to something you don’t want to do. It may be flowers on your desk. Give yourself permission for indulgence.  Every day.
4. Start collecting energy boosters. Make a list of small, ten minute acts that make you feel better. This is hard for many women, so don’t be afraid to start small. Some ideas to get you started:

• Putting on music that makes you happy
• Spending a few minutes outdoors
• Changing your clothes
• Laughing
• Hugging someone you love
• Making a list of your accomplishments
• Stretching, moving, or dancing around the room

My challenge to you: try these steps out, find what works for you, add to the list, then repeat, repeat, repeat. The real key here is getting into the rhythm of paying attention to the fuel you are getting and learning the tricks and the strategies that keep you fueled, happy, and thriving.

Take good care,

Could You Use a Me-treat?

January 18th, 2010, No Comments »

When life is coming at you fast and furious, how do you take the time to create an effective response? How do you pause long enough to create a blueprint that will effectively help you achieve your goals and be your best self? While it would be great to escape to a deserted island and regroup, that’s usually not possible. However, a retreat from the day-to-day that allows you to focus on what’s important to you and create a plan to show up the way you want to in your life can be essential sometimes. And easier said than done.

I’ve designed a new program to address this issue specifically—with women who have too much on their plates specifically in mind. It’s called the Too Much On Her Plate Metreat and we kick things off in just over a week. If this speaks to you, I’d love to have you join us.

Take good care,

Small Steps: Soup and Self Care

January 17th, 2010, No Comments »

Many busy women bristle at the term “life balance.” With all the responsibilities, relationships, and roles they are juggling, life balance sounds like an impossible and precarious state—a tightrope walk where one misstep can send you plummeting. I don’t mind the term, but I certainly understand the sentiment.

For those of us who are balancing (or dancing with) or doing a lot, it’s so darn easy to go from feeling a perfect rhythm to a life that feels terribly unbalanced, from proactively leading our lives, to chasing along behind a long list of things to do. Been there, done that. Quite frequently, in fact.

My saving grace? Knowing that getting back in control of my life doesn’t (usually) require a major life overhaul. Quite often it’s the small steps, the little but significant changes, that can pack a big punch and can change the flavor of my day, drastically affect my energy level or my mood, and determine how effective, productive, and creative I feel.

This year, I’ve decided to focus my attention each week on one small but significant step that I can take to make my life work better and to help me be more of my best. One focus and one change or tweak each week that is do-able, not overwhelming, and clearly takes me in a direction that I really want to go—something that leaves me feeling more balanced and effective and in charge of my life. I’m going to try sharing it here in the hope that it inspires you to consider your own small power steps.

This week’s focus is on reclaiming some energy I’ve let go of. To put it very simply: I’ve been sliding on the lunch thing. Somehow I’ve gotten out of the habit of planning lunches for myself. I’ve been taking my own lunch to work less, I’ve been grabbing stuff on the go too often, and as a result I’ve been eating mid-day food that, while not horrible, isn’t that great for me and doesn’t help me at all with that late afternoon energy slump. I know that I’m not alone with this one. In a tired moment, it can seem like a time and energy saver to skip the lunch prep. But you and I both know we’re kidding ourselves.  I know that when I slide on the lunch thing:

• My nutrition suffers (I definitely eat less fruits and vegetables)
• My energy drops
• As a result of my energy dropping, I drink more caffeine
• I  don’t enjoy a real midday break with food I really want to savor (the grab-and-go stuff is just not that tasty)
• I don’t feel as well taken care of as I’d like to
• If I was planning to work out in the evening, I probably won’t have much energy or inspiration to do it

Yes, really. A good tasting, well-thought out lunch (and the lack of one) has all that impact. So this week’s simple step? I’m back to making my weekly pot of soup and/or planning dinner menus so I have the leftovers that I need to thrive at lunchtime.  Just simmering that soup this afternoon left me feeling more grounded and back on track—and I’m going to be a happy camper sitting down to my spicy African Yam and Peanut soup. What will you do for yourself this week?

Take good care,

New Year’s Resolution Check in: Are you struggling to find the time?

January 12th, 2010, No Comments »

It’s the second year of January, and if you made a resolution or set a goal to make healthy lifestyle change in 2010, the honeymoon is probably nearing an end. One of the biggest stumbling blocks for many busy women who want to make changes: finding the time to actually make them.

Here’s a question I was asked in an interview recently: “How do we justify taking time out for a workout or a healthy lunch or to work on that novel we want to write when our to-do lists are still a mile long?

This question is really getting at the mindset we have about taking the time for these things. The question itself suggests that it’s hard to see our own action items as important—or as of the same importance as the other items on our to-do lists. If you want to make successful and lasting progress with your goals this year, this is a critical shift in mindset that you must make.

When we see something as essential or valuable we cease to feel the need to defend or justify it.

What is your mindset about me-time and self care? Too many women are stuck in the mindset of believing that self care is expendable—that it’s an “if I can get to it” luxury that can be skipped with little consequence if you need to save time. Not true. The very-busy president of the United States (and every past president I can recall) makes time in his incredibly busy life for regular exercise (as well as for leisure and other self care) does that tell you something about how important and life-enhancing it is?

Consider the costs of not taking the time you need for yourself. This includes not taking the time you need to move forward on your important goals. Symptoms or side effects of not getting enough of what you need to thrive include:

• Overeating
• Compromised health and/or wellness
• Diminished energy
• Decreased productivity
• Reduced focus (including getting distracted from your own goals and priorities)
• Diminished passion for the things that are truly important to you
• Exhaustion and stress
• Time lost “zoning out” or escaping or “being tired”

When we take time for ourselves—to work on bettering our own life, our health, or goals and dreams we:

• Become more of ourselves at our best—that translates into having more zest and energy for the responsibilities we face
• We treat ourselves as valuable and that shows and rubs off on others—when we see ourselves, our ideas and visions as valuable we stand taller, play bigger, think broader and are more successful.
• We provide a powerful model to those who are watching us. We show others how we expect to be treated and we teach our children that it is important to respect and to take good care of themselves as well.
• We have more energy, focus, clarity. We are more confident.

Sound good? Here’s your challenge: what do you need to do to claim the time or energy that you need this week? What do you need to let go of or say no to in order for that to happen? What one action can you take to be more commited to your goals this week?

I’d love to hear what you come up with. Leave a comment below and share your thoughts.

Take good care,

Is “Me-time” Worth the Trouble?

January 6th, 2010, No Comments »

Creating time for ourselves all-too-often falls to the bottom of our priority lists–or slides off the darn list completely. Today I posted over at the Solo Entrepreneur Blog (Solo-e) on four steps to creating time for yourself and how this can benefit both your life and your business.  Repeat after me: “Me-time is NOT a luxury!”

Take good care,

Is Me-time Essential to Professional Success?

January 5th, 2010, No Comments »

This week I’m honored to be a guest blogger at one of my favorite blogs. Solo Entrepreneur is a fantastic site for women (and men) business owners. You can read my post about why quality self care and “me-time” are critical ingredients in a successful business plan and how stress can limit our potential both personally and professionally (hint: you don’t need to own a business to benefit). While you are there, be sure to check out all the other great resources.

There’s still time to register for the free teleseminar I’m holding next week where I’ll go into much more depth on how and why busy women carve out that valuable time for self-care. I hope you’ll join me!

Take good care,