Too Much on Her Plate

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Success Traps that Sabotage: Gold Medal Excuse Number Three – “But They NEED Me!”

March 8th, 2010, No Comments »

This week I’m continuing to share “gold medal” excuses—excuses that stop us in our tracks and can get us VERY stuck in the pursuit out of overwhelm, away from overeating, and toward our best lives.

Many women get to be so busy and successful (in part) because they are so darn good at taking care of other people. A talent for nurturing is a great skill, and many of us have lots of practice at being kind, responsible, caring and aware of the needs of others.

The problem:  some women are so busy nurturing others that they’ve forgotten how (or don’t feel entitled) to nurture themselves. All that great caring, compassion and attention gets focused outward and very little energy is left over for replenishing. Giving away all our best stuff to others—because they need us–is a path that leads to depletion. All the energy gets paid out and not enough fuel comes in to allow us to really be at our best. The irony—when WE aren’t at our best, we don’t have our best to give. In the long run, everyone—including those whose care we prioritize—has to settle for second best.

The truth?

You may have people in your life who DO need you. A lot. I’m not disputing that, but having others need us doesn’t cancel out our own needs. Acknowledging this reality creates some dilemmas, uncomfortable situations, and conflict. That’s the reality, and denying our own needs is not a viable answer. Women can get very stuck when they try to avoid interpersonal discomfort, and respond to these dilemmas by consistently letting their own wishes and needs drop to the bottom of their priority list. The hard truth that some resist mightily, is that sometimes we have to say very difficult nos to others because we also need some yesses for ourselves.

You do have people who need you, and you’re one of them. You are one of those people who needs you.  Self care is not an either-or proposition even though your inner critic might tell you otherwise. Yes, you might have a little voice that tells you it’s “selfish” to focus on yourself or to take time for that yoga class or to ask the family to change their eating habits to accommodate your needs. But it isn’t. It’s important (more about that later).  This isn’t about not doing for others so that you can do for you, it’s about redividing the pie chart of your time and energy so that you get a piece too.  It’s about including yourself and your needs and wants on the to-do list. In the end, everyone’s piece on the pie chart may be a bit smaller, but the quality of the time and energy you have to distribute is likely to be far better.

They DO need you to be there for them—especially during difficult times. And they appreciate you being in top form—ready and able to respond. Managing your own health and stress are essential so that you can be present when you most need and want to be. No one is very helpful when they are exhausted, burnt out and irritable. When we get what we need and when our spirit is well fed, we have more energy, are more focused, more creative, more confident, and more effective. We’re also more vibrant and we bring more of who we really are and our unique gifts to the table.

We lead by example. Here’s one that nurturers often forget. When we live a pattern of neglecting our own needs so that we can respond to others, we are modeling this to those who are watching. We learn some of our most powerful lessons by example and we teach them as well. Most women I speak with want their children and others that they care about to eventually be able to stand up for themselves, to draw a clear boundary when necessary and to feel able to say no to certain requests. They want others to feel their best, to be healthy, to get regular exercise. eat well, and get the rest and care they need. If you are raising children, than you are the one showing them how to do these things. You are modeling whether  it is or isn’t acceptable to prioritize your own well being and happiness. We have a choice. We can model martyrdom or we can model a way of caring and compassion that also reflects the value that we give to our selves.

It isn’t easy. In fact, sometimes, claiming the time and energy we need to be our best is a daunting challenge.  It’s not something we need to perfect, but it is something that we need to aim for–consistently. Having the goal in our sites, and feeling entitled to pursue it, makes all the difference.

Take good care,

Office Fitness: Stretch Away The Stress

November 18th, 2009, 1 Comment »

Hi there. My name is Scott Tousignant here to share some more home office fitness tips to help you become the super-focused, highly productive, beautiful person that you really are!

As a busy female entrepreneur with too much on her plate you are bound to experience stress in your life. It’s part of the package deal. Stress can be a good thing. It can drive you to accomplish tasks that you’ve been procrastinating about. But in many cases stress can be harmful to your well-being and make it more difficult for you to lose weight even when you are eating well and exercising regularly.

The home office workout and home office cardio that I shared with you during my first two guest posts here, are great tools to help you reduce stress. Melissa’s post yesterday, “Making Fitness Work For You” is a great discussion about taking the stress out of fitness by making it something that you enjoy doing and want to do instead of “Should Do” of “Have To Do”. This is a philosophy that I certainly live by and recommend to you.

Stretching has become one of my favorite ways of reducing stress. It forces me to ’slow down’ and get in-tune with my breathing. It also clears my head and helps me refocus.

The key to effective stretching is to relax. Don’t force the stretch. Focus on your breathing. Ease into the stretch and with each breath that you blow out try to stretch a little further.

You should hold each stretch for 10 relaxing breaths. By focusing on slow relaxed breathing it will automatically put you in a more relaxed state of mind.

Stress creates tension in your muscles and stretching will work wonders for relieving that tension. Allow me to demonstrate five of my favorite stretches that I perform in my home office each day.

5 Stretches To Relieve Work Stress

There’s no limit on how often you should stretch. I recommend taking a couple minutes each hour to stretch and relieve the tension in your body that occurs naturally from sitting at a desk all day. It’s a great way to manage your stress throughout the day.

I’d love to hear your thoughts. Perform these stretches throughout your workday and let us know how if affects your mood and performance.

You ROCK! Enjoy the experience,

Scott Tousignant

4 Tips For Taking Control of Stress Before It Takes Control of You, Your Life, or Your Eating

October 19th, 2009, 2 Comments »

We all know the stress of too much on our plates–too much to do, too much to think about, too many things and people and responsibilities to take care of.

Whether you choose to have a lot on your plate or feel like there is no other option, stress and overwhelm may be a reality–and they take a toll.

Stress and overwhelm prevent us from being and feeling and behaving as our best version of ourselves.  Stress not only feels crummy; many of us react to stress and overwhelm by cutting back and dropping some of the self-care and comfort strategies that benefit us the most and allow us to really shine.

Stress and overload can also lead us to habits such as stress eating, comfort eating, drinking and smoking too much, and sleeping too little.  And the stress that creates can lead to more of the same—a vicious cycle.

Want to do something different?

Here are 4 tips for taking control of stress that you can implement today:

1.    Set Priorities. Take time at the end of each day to identify your top 2-3 priorities for the next day.  Being clear on your priorities creates clarity of mind, focuses your action, and reduces stress.
2.    Avoid Multitasking. Research shows that multitasking does not make us more productive, yet when we’re stressed, there is a temptation to conquer as much as we can at once.  It doesn’t serve us well.  Slow down. Take a deep breath, and focus on doing one thing at a time.
3.    Recognize Signs of Overwhelm. Know what the signs are that your stress level is building.  Are you a stress eater and noticing your eating feels more out of control?  Are you more irritable? Not taking time for the things that you need?  The earlier that you recognize that stress is building, the sooner you can start implementing strategies to do something about it.
4.    Never Underestimate the Power of a Small Pause. Breathe.  Step outside. Take a short walk around the block or your office. Stretch your neck and shoulders and drink some water.  Checking in with yourself for even 60 seconds, several times a day, can help you stay connected with yourself and to what’s important to you.

Take good care,

Too Much On Her Plate Week: Prepare to Celebrate!

October 5th, 2009, No Comments »

Many professional women are successful in what they do for a living, but are struggling with overeating and weight loss issues. It’s often being too busy that leads to not enough time to care for one’s self. When that happens, many women turn to food for comfort, stress relief, a break—to fill in the needs they don’t feel like they have the time to fill with good stuff.

You know I’m passionate about providing effective solutions for women with too much on their plates.  I’m also all about doing things in the easiest way possible and making sure we take the time to pause and to celebrate the good stuff. So when I saw my birthday approaching this year, I decided to go BIG.

I’ve created Too Much on Her Plate Week which runs the week of my birthday–from October 19 to October 23–so that women can learn to get stuff off their plate, literally and figuratively. And I’ve tried to make it as simple and fun as possible.

Too Much on Her Plate Week calls attention to the more than 150 million professional women who are either employed by a business or as an independent professional in the United States. These women are often moms too, creating limited time and a lot of plate spinning (and juggling). The pressure to get it all done contributes further to many women’s struggles with weight and food.
In celebration of Too Much on Her Plate Week, I’m going to keep encouraging you to:

1.  Carve out some time for yourself. The biggest mistake busy women make is not taking some time for self-care. Most often, it’s not that a professional woman can’t have it. It’s that they aren’t choosing to take it. Prioritize yourself.

2.  Have a plan for eating and exercise. We tend to be great planners for the most part. Apply those skills to yourself and plan your meals and time for exercise.

3.  Pay attention. Emotional eating – especially stress eating, often sneaks up on women. Pay attention to those times when you want something to eat and ask why.

Oh—and every celebration should have gifts.  So be sure to come back on October 19 to join the celebration and collect lots of valuable goodies that will help you clean off your plate.

Take good care,

Getting Overloaded With the Speed of Life and Business?

September 25th, 2009, No Comments »

It happens so quickly doesn’t it? One minute we are feeling purposeful and in control and on top of things and the next it feels like we’re chasing behind our to-do list and wondering if we’ll ever catch up.  The temptation is to just do more, move faster. The problem is, going faster is often not the answer.  If we’re stuck in a vicious cycle of too much to do, going faster is just like speeding up a hamster wheel.  We work harder and harder but we don’t get anywhere—and the faster we’re going, the less likely we are to be creative enough to figure out how to do it differently, in a way that works better for us.  I’m not a big horoscope reader, but I noticed mine today and it made me smile:  “Give yourself an extra 15 minutes to do each thing you have to do. Moving at a slower and more careful pace, you will be more confident, loving, and powerful.”  What a great thought for the day.

Take good care,

Free Teleseminar: One Minute Plan for Dealing With Challenges

September 11th, 2009, No Comments »

How many times have you set a goal or started down a path towards change only to fall off track because life got too hectic, you got busy, and your plan fell off the radar?How often do you feel so busy that you aren’t even sure HOW
to slow down?  Do you sometimes feel you don’t even have time to think let alone create a plan for success?

Slowing down is hard. Stopping and listening to yourself is hard. Being mindful of where you want to go is hard.

What if I told you that there is a one minute plan that could start to make these things easier?

I’m thrilled to be interviewing Stacey Mayo, The Dream Queen, and the creator of The One Minute Meditation™.

Our Topic: The One Minute Plan for Dealing with Overwhelm, Stress and other Life and Business Challenges

During this free teleseminar you will learn:

• How you can respond more effectively when life and business challenges as they come up

• The importance of finding and aligning with your BIG YES and how it significantly reduced the overwhelm

• That it is possible (and easy)  to access peace of mind in just one minute and

• Practical steps that will bring you more peace AND success

Stacey Mayo is the director of the Center for Balanced Living and the author of  I Can’t Believe I Get Paid To Do This!: Remarkable People Reveal 26 Proven Strategies for Making Your Dreams a Reality.  She has been featured on the CBS Evening News, in Forbes, Newsday, and the Wall St. Journal. Stacey loves to help people get out of their own way to make their dreams come true, integrate and balance their personal and business lives, become Peaceful Entrepreneurs who make an big impact and great living while doing something they love.

Won’t you join us?

The call will take place on Thursday, September 17 at 11am Pacific, 2pm Eastern and will run 45-60 minutes.

This call will be recorded and all who register will have access to the recording.

Go here to reserve your spot.

Melissa

PS: This is not a call to put off.  Click here now and in 30 seconds we’ll get you registered.

How To Make Time For Fitness

September 9th, 2009, 2 Comments »

“How do I create a fitness program that will last—when I’m time crunched, stressed, and overwhelmed?”

This is a question I’m asked all the time:  “How can I fit it all in?  I know I should exercise regularly but I just don’t have the time/motivation/resources/energy to do it.”

Consistent exercise is a big challenge for many women. Whether you are a busy professional, a solopreneur working from home, or you are home juggling the needs of small children, consistent exercise can be a difficult habit to start AND a challenge to maintain. Many of my clients report (when they start with me) that there just isn’t room (or energy) in their life to make it happen.  And yet, regular physical activity is part of a successful recipe for thriving. Personally, I’ve learned that regular physical activity is one of my “non-negotiables.”  Quite simply, it’s one of the things I need to be at my best.  When it doesn’t happen, my energy, focus, creativity, and stress level are all impacted–not to mention my health. Here are the tips I’ve used to make exercise do-able and even enjoyable for me and many of my clients.

1. Have a fitness goal: Having an “end destination” will help keep you motivated and help you evaluate your progress. It’s important to know why you are asking yourself to do something.  I’m a runner and even though it’s now something that I enjoy, I’ve learned that I stay more consistent with my workouts when I have specific running goals.  Knowing I have a race I want to be ready for helps me stay on track with regular workouts and THAT motivates me to carve out the time for those workouts in my schedule.

2. Choose something that motivates you: Too many women pick something they hate for their fitness activity (like using the weird cardio gizmo they bought on TV, never enjoyed using, and that they feel guilty for buying in the first place) and then think of fitness as a “should” that they then dread.  When you find something you love to do, it provides a double return on your energy and time investment, providing fun AND your exercise.  Busy women need two-fers. Ask yourself, “What do you love to do with your body? What feels like play?” I’ve had clients give up the cardio machine for fencing, swing dancing, basketball, rollerblading, even conducting symphonies to the stereo in their living room–and they started having fun.

3. Have a fitness support system: For years, when my children were young, and my time was even more limited than it is now, I participated in online message boards and forums.  The connections I made there kept me interested, motivated, and accountable–and I could access the support whenever it was convenient for me. I also didn’t need to reinvent the wheel—I could learn from other busy women who had similar goals.  Now I have a running group that I run with. They challenge me, provide great information, and motivate me to show up for difficult workouts.  I also have a weekly workout date with a good friend (who is also busy).  The conversation and catch up time make those workouts a double win–and something I look forward to.

4. Be realistic about what you can accomplish: When my kids were young, I gave up my gym membership because it was just too stressful to try to get there.  I realized that if I worked out at home, I saved on commute time.  If  I worked out in the morning, I saved on the time it took for an extra shower.  I accumulated workouts on DVD that were ten and fifteen minutes long.  I’d save time by doing core work as a warm up and skipping the official warm up  part of the routine. I didn’t paralyze myself with unattainable expectations of what a “real” workout was.  I did what I could.

5. Be realistic, but do SOMETHING: I’ve learned over the years, that no matter what kind of shape I am in, the hardest part of any workout is getting started.  I can enjoy a run in all kinds of crazy weather, but there are a lot of mornings it’s hard to get up off the couch and head out the door.  I have a commitment to myself, on my scheduled running days, that I will always commit to simply leaving the house–knowing that I can always turn around and cut my workout short.  When I’m doing a DVD or another kind of workout it’s the same commitment.  I’ll start and give it ten minutes.  Ninety-nine percent of the time, I’ll finish and on the rare days when that doesn’t happen, I call it good and give myself credit for getting out of the chute.

Take good care,

Melissa

Is Martyrdom Fueling Your Overeating?

August 24th, 2009, No Comments »

Do you overeat when you are stressed or tired or overwhelmed?

Do you flop down exhausted at the end of the day feeling like there is never enough time for you?

Despite your best intentions, do you never seem to get to that exercise plan, that journal that you want to write in, or that fun project you really want to start?

Do you ever feel like no one really understands how much is expected of you?

Are you feeling resentful that there is never enough time to get to you?

If you find yourself answering yes to any of these questions, it’s time to consider whether martyrdom is having a negative impact on your eating, your weight, your health, and your life.

What do I mean by martyrdom?  I’m talking about sacrificing yourself—literally—for whatever cause it is that you choose to be a martyr for.

Martyrdom is not the same as caring for others.  Healthy caring assumes that you are just as human and needy as everyone else.  When you distribute your care, you get an equal share (it’s like dividing up a pizza—everyone gets a piece).

The martyr approach doesn’t work that way.  The martyr assumes that caring for others takes priority or somehow cancels out her own needs. She assumes that in order to be “good” at caring for others (or other responsibilities), she must sacrifice her own agenda.  The martyr believes that “personal stuff” happens after you’ve taken care of everything else. The martyr often says, “I can’t (meditate, go to the gym, ever see my friends, fill-in-the-blank) because Junior’s soccer schedule is so busy or I’ve got that committee work to do or I have to make dinner.  Here’s the litmus test: if Junior has an unscheduled extra practice or the committee calls another meeting, the martyr will move mountains and give up on sleep to make that happen.  Her own needs—they just don’t get the same priority.

The tradeoff for choosing martyrdom is feeling exhausted and deprived and unfed, overlooked, and uncared for.  Resentment usually follows.  Let’s see a show of hands.  When you feel exhausted, deprived, unfed, overlooked and uncared for (with a hefty dash of resentment), who finds those chocolate chip cookies a lot harder to resist?

Martyrdom breeds overeating—of many different types.  When there is never enough time, food becomes an easy-to-turn-to fix for all the unfilled places in your life. If martyrdom is ruling the day, then no matter what great strategies you learn to take control of your emotional eating, you’ll rarely feel entitled to implement them.

How to leave martyrdom behind?  The first simple, big, bold step has to take place in your head.  It comes when you can really truly see the cost of this kind of behavior and let go of the myth that martyrdom is a desirable quality.  It means challenging beliefs you may have that taking time for yourself is selfish.  Care is NOT an either/or proposition.  You don’t have to choose—“Do I care for them or do I care for me?”  The truth is, in order to really be able to provide your best care for anyone else, you have to be in good running order. In a healthy life, self-care and the care of other people and things go together. While you get comfortable with this notion, consider whether you have a support system that can help you settle in to this new way of thinking.  It’s much easier to leave martyrdom behind when you have the support and encouragement of others who believe in what you are doing and will remind you of your priorities along the way.

One more thing—letting go of martyrdom also means accepting the concept of time.  You are not responsible for the fact that there are only 24 hours in a day and that sometimes 24 hours isn’t enough time for everything.  It isn’t your job to take your life off the menu so that others can pretend that they are entitled to a bigger slice of life.  It’s not your job, it’s not fair, and it doesn’t work.<

Am I striking a nerve? Preaching to the choir? I’d love to hear your thoughts and comments.

The Secret to Implementing All Those “Best Life” Tips

August 11th, 2009, 1 Comment »

There are so many good tips and tools and strategies that can help us live a fuller,  more authentic and meaningful life. Tips that can lower our stress, help us lose weight, prevent overwhelm and improve our relationships. But learning about these tools and ideas and strategies just isn’t enough.  These gems are only helpful to us if we are able to figure out how to implement them and allow them to be useful in our lives.

There is an ingredient that is essential for metabolizing good information.  It’s necessary for creating a plan for implementation.  It’s a crucial factor in reducing stress and overwhelm.  And, it is in very short supply in many of our lives. I’m speaking about good, quality, quiet time.

What I see in my own life and in the lives of the women I work with, is that many of the things we can do to increase our happiness, productivity, success with weight or health, or whatever it is that we want to do, only really happen if we allow ourselves enough quiet time to listen to ourselves and discover the how and when and why of implementing.  When we have quiet time we can hear what we need.  We can think about how to address the need, and we can plan and schedule the actions we are going to take.

Do you get enough quiet time?  When you have an opportunity for quiet time, do you allow yourself to take it?

It’s interesting about quiet time.  Many of us—especially women with a lot going on—have a tendency to avoid quiet time—to fritter it away or to distract ourselves from it—to  fill it with things like the internet or TV we don’t really care about.  Or to fill it with food and nibbling or overeating.

It sounds so simple, but truthfully, taking more quiet time isn’t always an easy thing. For someone perpetually on the go, the beginning stages of quiet time can be uncomfortable.  Listening to ourselves or discovering what we need can be difficult.  And sometimes we don’t like discovering that we have questions or needs that we don’t know how to answer or address.  But here’s the real truth.  If we don’t take the time to listen and hear what we feel or need or want, we won’t be able to match those things up with the tips and tools and strategies we know about or are capable of acquiring.

Do you get enough quiet time?  What does ideal quiet time look like for you? I encourage you to choose a regular “quiet” activity—walking, writing or journaling, quiet contemplative or meditative time—maybe a gentle yoga workout.  Consider how you could add some quiet time to your week and make a commitment to stick with it for at least a week.  It’s the kind of action that really pays off.

Overeating and Emotional Eating Tip: Pay Yourself First

August 3rd, 2009, No Comments »

I hear from many women struggling to make healthy food choices in the midst of a busy life.  Here’s a question that was recently submitted during one of my free teleseminars.

Marie asked, “My biggest issues are pre-planning so that I am not grabbing non healthy foods in a pinch. I’m a busy mom, professional, wife and errand runner….Starbucks™ looks good too often, and it is a way to feel appreciated and rewarded. Can you help with this?”

I’m guessing most of us can relate to Marie. When we’re busy, pre-planning is essential.  We pre-plan with our businesses and our jobs don’t we?  We don’t just show up at an important presentation and “wing it.”  We pre-plan for family events, we put lots of things that we want to be sure to take care of on the calendar. We remind our kids about their assignments.  We make lists for holiday shopping.  But how many of us give pre-planning for ourselves the same priority?

I have days when I’m good at this and days when I’m not, but I realized a long time ago that there is a huge payoff when I do take the time to pre-plan meals that I enjoy and create healthy options for busy times.  I also benefit tremendously when I pre-plan the experiences that leave me feeling appreciated and rewarded so that impromptu stops at the French bakery down the street are less tempting.

That said, this pre-planning is not an easy thing to do.

What often happens is this: we are busy, we often have more to do than we have time for, and we get tired.  And we make the mistake of telling ourselves that a way to deal with our tiredness is to skip things—not do the extra work.  A problem, however,  is that we often skip the things that we need for ourselves.  So we drop our own priorities and tell ourselves it’s some kind of a bonus.  “I won’t work out I’m too tired.”  “I won’t pack a lunch, I’ll just grab something at Starbucks™.”

We let the things that actually fuel our senses and our souls and our lives drop off our priority list—because we are too tired.

Here is the mistake many women make.  It’s a mistake that contributes to a tremendous amount of emotional eating and overeating.  Too many women pay themselves last.  If you wait to attend to your needs until the end of the day when you are literally so worn out and overworked that all you want to do is curl up on the coach and zone out with a good book, a TV show and maybe some comfort food, you’re not likely to give your needs much quality attention. You’re too tired.  Easy options—like food, are likely to be the strategies you turn to.

When we don’t make the time, we won’t get the time.

I challenge you to start using your calendar for more than your responsibilities to others.  Start scheduling YOUR life and your priorities, your needs AND your rewards. One of the strategies that I stress in my Emotional Eating Toolbox™ 28 Day Program is creating the habit of sitting down and scheduling your needs. It’s a habit that will pay you back.  Choose a time, once a week, to sit down with your calendar and schedule your needs and the ways that you will pay yourself.

Does scheduling work for you? What strategies do you use to keep up with your needs and to plan ahead? Share your ideas by leaving a comment.

Take good care,

Melissa