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If Food Isn’t the Answer to Everything – What Is? Part 4

September 2nd, 2010, No Comments »

My intent in this blog series has been to show that finding peace with food can be the mean to make lasting changes in your life…changes that have, until now, been frustrating and very difficult to achieve.

4.     Peace With Food Takes Support

We live in a food-intensive culture and you may be living your life at a mile-a-minute pace. Food isn’t something you can take or leave—you have to negotiate your relationship with food all day long, every day—in the midst of everything else. Your relationship with food runs long and deep. Many people keep their struggles with food very very private, often because they carry shame or guilt with them about the role food plays in their life. Guess what? The shame, the guilt, and the emotional baggage related to food take a toll. It can be very difficult to escape from these feelings in the privacy of your mind—the same mind that tends to see food as the answer. But make no mistake, if you have these feelings, they can keep you powerfully trapped in a relationship with food that does not work.

It can also be difficult to generate new approaches and new answers to that question: “If food is not the answer, what is?” –especially if you have spent years seeing food as the best solution you could come up with. Someone who “gets it” and who already has the tools and strategies can be invaluable in helping you craft the road map you’re craving for breaking free from these struggles.

The Cost of Doing Battle

Isn’t doing battle what NOT being at peace with food feels like? For most women, the costs of struggling with food, weight, and eating add up. Over time, these battles can erode self confidence, affect your emotional and physical posture, your sense of effectiveness and even your hope and outlook for the future. Struggles with food can also eat up a depressing amount of time and mental energy. Because we learn best by example, they tend to be passed from generation to generation. These battles rob women of energy, vitality, and passion. Finally, as long as food is a tool that helps us cope with life by using band aids and as long as this allows us to avoid creating more meaningful, nourishing, and lasting solutions, our life is simply not as big or as full or as vibrant as it could be.

Quite simply, battles with food wear women down and wear women out. Making peace with food changes everything. Are you ready to take your first step?

Take good care,

Weight Loss Without Dieting: The Weight You Can Stop Carrying – Part 1

August 4th, 2010, 1 Comment »

Are you carrying around weight that you can put down? This is a question that’s crucial to your long-term success.

I don’t need to tell you that losing weight is hard work—really hard work. What I can share is that many people get stuck in attitudes and ways of thinking that make losing weight even harder. Some attitudes that people often think of as motivating, actually tend to de-motivate us. Trying to lose weight with these mindsets is like trying to climb a mountain carrying a fifty pound boulder. The journey is much easier if we put the boulder down.

JUDGMENT & SELF-CRITICISM

When a new client begins to talk to me about her weight struggles, I can often feel the heaviness that enters the conversation. Her voice may change, her posture slumps, she may adopt an expression of embarrassment or shame or guilt. Her energy dips. Clients talking about attempts to lose weight often stop making eye contact and sound very tired, and frustrated, even angry with themselves. Repeated attempts at weight loss (and repeated weight regain) leave people frustrated and cynical about their ability to succeed. Clients often tell me how “they have failed at weight loss.” They feel defeated and angry with themselves before they even start their next attempt.

Here’s the thing: when we don’t succeed at an undertaking, we are not failures. It is our plan or our approach that has not worked. Beating ourselves up gets us nowhere, and it diverts us from the powerful and important task of reevaluating, taking inventory and making corrections to our approach so that we can get back on target. In addition, the negativity and self blame weigh down our future attempts at success by causing us to feel less capable and less hopeful.

When we’re the most disappointed, the most frustrated and the most vulnerable, many of us have this thoroughly unreasonable idea that an emotional version of the slap-upside-the-head is what’s needed. If we allow it, the critical voices in our head that tell us we’re “not good enough” or lazy or incapable can really take control. I can’t tell you how many people I’ve heard tell me the harsh, awful, demeaning things their judgmental inner critic tells them about themselves and then, in the same breath, tell me how carefully they listen to it! This is not helpful!

The first step in creating a successful plan for weight loss is to attack that judgmental attitude head-on. If you’ve been frustrated in your efforts to lose weight in the past, it wasn’t you that failed—it was your plan that didn’t work. Anger and self-critical judgment don’t effectively motivate anyone for more than very short periods of time, and long-term, these attitudes will get you seriously off track.

Keep an eye out for my next post where I’ll lay out some simple and practical ways to overcome those inner voices that keep you from your goals.

Take good care,

Three Ways to Lower Your Stress—Even if You Can’t Change Your Life

July 27th, 2010, No Comments »

As someone who coaches busy, high-achieving women, I often hear about the stress and responsibilities that are permanent realities in my clients’ lives. I also frequently hear women make the mistake that reducing stress requires a major life overhaul—something they may not feel that they have the time or even the interest in. Fortunately, this isn’t always true. There are tricks and strategies for taking control of stress—even in the midst of challenging circumstances. Here are three that you can start using today.

1. Spend time outdoors. There is something important about getting outdoors—no matter the weather. A recent study by researchers at the University of Essex found that five minutes of outdoor activity each day can improve mood and lead to an increase in self-esteem. The study found that subjects benefitted the most when they spent their outdoor time around a body of water (like a lake or river). Consider breaking up your day (or ending your work day) with a short walk around the block, or stopping by a park in the midst of your errands. You don’t have to pack in lots of outdoor activity—just have an outdoor experience and savor it.
2. Practice pausing. Disengage from your busy brain and connect with your body. Use a timer (both as a reminder and to time yourself) and practice pausing and breathing consciously for 3-5 minutes, 2-3 times a day. Here’s a structured breathing pattern to try so that you don’t have to worry about how to breathe consciously: simply inhale for a count of four, hold the breath for the count of four, exhale for the count of four, wait for the count of four, and inhale and begin the cycle again. This is called four by four or “square” breathing. It helps you slow down, deepen your breaths, and engage the body in the process of relaxing. You can do it anywhere. Practice doing it every time you hit a stoplight or while you wait in line.
3. Stop multitasking. It seems like our mind’s response to stress is often to take on more or try to get as much done as quickly as possible. While that may make the idea of multitasking very tempting, the truth is, multitasking doesn’t make us more productive, increases our stress, and can seriously interfere with the quality of our output. To start putting the brakes on multitasking and decrease the stress you are putting on yourself, practice deliberately noting the focus of your attention—and choose one thing to focus on at a time—even if it’s only for five minutes. Declare it out loud if you can: “Now I am doing the dishes,” “Now I am preparing notes for my presentation,” “Now I am organizing my desk.” Learn to give your brain one thing at a time to chew on and put the rest on a list instead of trying to hold all the details in your brain.

Stress reduction really is possible (and probably easier) with small, simple steps. My challenge to you: pick one of the three strategies and commit to it for the day.

Take good care,

Four Ways to Create Space So That You Can Focus on Yourself (at least a bit): Tip Four

July 8th, 2010, No Comments »

Here is the last post in my series about finding time for YOU–but the conversation doesn’t need to stop here. What tips or ideas would you add? What works for you? Click the “comment” link and let us know!

Change your story

It’s important to be honest with yourself. What’s really keeping you from getting the time and space that you need? Don’t stop with an explanation of the circumstances—yes-you-have-a-stressful-job-and-you-have-three-cats-and-two-dogs-who-need-walked-and-three-children-that-need-you-and-the-bathroom-needs-painted (or whatever your story is). But why does that prevent you from getting the time and space you need to be fueled and at your best? The story that traps many women is, “I’ve got so many responsibilities that I can’t possibly take the time for me.”  I know, you may believe that story. But that story is a conversation stopper and it won’t get you anywhere but worn out and cranky.

That story is only one possible story. Here’s another one: “I am currently living an incredibly challenging life and I have a lot that I am responsible for right now. That means that I am extremely valuable, and I need to be taking the best possible care of myself so that I can live up to the demands of this situation or be focused and savvy enough to change things in a way that works better for my life. My energy and time are like gold and I’ve got to nurture them. “

Feel the difference?

Our stories guide us. What story is keeping you stuck and how could you rewrite it?

Take good care,

Need some help creating YOUR story and your formula for thriving? That’s one of the pieces covered in my brand new Success Soundtrack program.

Please Ignore Yesterday’s Teleseminar

June 30th, 2010, No Comments »

Want to know what occurred to me on my run this morning? I decided that I’m going to ask you to ignore the teleseminar I gave yesterday. In case you are wondering, the title was: Overwhelmed, Overcommitted, or Overweight? How to Unleash Your Inner Champion and Take Back Your Life (in less time than you think).

Don’t listen to it. Okay, listen to it if you want—there is a lot of great content—but truthfully, the teleseminar is about moving out of overwhelm and overload and if this is YOU, then you probably don’t feel like you have an hour to listen to another teleseminar, do you?

For those of you who were one step ahead of me and skipped signing up for the teleseminar BECAUSE you don’t have time—I hear you.

So don’t listen to it. Because I’m going to show you exactly what I talked about on the call—that it’s possible to learn and to make changes by taking smaller, more do-able steps.

Ignore the teleseminar recording because starting today, I’m going to share short pieces of what I covered in the call (and some bonus stuff). Does that sound more digestible? Fantastic!

Here’s your first ten minute audio (actually, it’s 7 minutes and 47 seconds). It’s about your inner champion and how to assess the role she is playing—and could be playing—in your life (and yes—you can download the audio—because life needs to be easier ).

Take good care,

PS: On the call that you are going to ignore, I shared information about my brand new product: The Success Soundtrack™: How to Add More Ease, Flow, Me-time AND Success Without Overextending Your To-do List in Just Ten Minutes a Day. I’m very proud of this program that is specially designed to get you connected to your inner champion and living your best life. This plug-and-play program (just devote ten minutes a day to listening to the CDs) is specially designed for the woman with a lot going on. I’ve eliminated the fluff and the time-consuming stuff and made it super easy to use. Until 7/6/10 you can use the coupon code FREEDOM at checkout and receive $20 off the price of the Success Soundtrack™. You’ll also receive a bonus 60 minute audio: How Even the Smartest, Savviest Women Can Be More Effective (Especially With Food, Weight, and Healthy Lifestyle Changes.

Short on Time: Five Ways Women Lose Time and How to Find it Again

May 20th, 2010, 2 Comments »

Most women will tell you that their time is extremely precious. Many would pay dearly for an extra hour, some time for themselves, or the opportunity to squeeze in “one more thing.” And yet, I see a lot of time being left on the table, being lost, like spare change between the sofa cushions, and going unclaimed or under-utilized.

Are you losing time? See if any of these sound familiar:

Do you ever come to the end of a busy day knowing that you were working hard, but not really sure what you accomplished?

Do you ever set out to accomplish a task and find that suddenly your window of opportunity is gone—it’s been used up while you got prepared, followed up on loose ends, answered emails, or were generally distracted by other tasks?

Do you start out with a clear list of action items for the day but find that before you ever get to them, other peoples’ needs, wants, and emergencies have filled up your day?

Does it seem like you never get to the ‘big stuff’ because the little necessities of life take up all your time?

If so, you’re losing time, or giving it away, or even wasting it. What you aren’t doing is leveraging one of your most precious assets in the way you could be. And as a result, you may not be getting where you want to go, accomplishing the things you want to, or having the experiences that you promised yourself. You—not just a lack of time—are getting in your own way.

Now let me be clear: I’m not talking about becoming super-efficient so you can become hyper-productive—squeezing every last moment out of your day so that you can get more work done. That’s NOT what I’m talking about. Lost time limits our ability to live our lives, to have fun and to have time for the indulgent and nurturing experiences we also crave (especially because we often leave these things for last—but that’s another blog post). When we lose time without being fully aware and deliberate about how we are spending it, we are giving away moments when we could more fully be ourselves.

Are you losing time? Here are five common traps

1. One of the biggest traps for busy women is feeling like they don’t have the time to come up with a plan. Do you take the time to identify your highest priority items? Here’s the thing. Without a plan, you are constantly in “reactive” mode, you are going to be kept busy, catching the balls that life is throwing at you. Take a deep breath, and give yourself ten minutes to clarify your tasks for the day—including the highest priority items. Dig into these first to create positive momentum.
2. When you are working are you really clear what you are working on? I know it sounds silly, but in a world where you can have umpteen computer screens open at once and be communicating on a bunch of other electronic devices at the same time, it’s quite easy to tell yourself you are being productive and busy and not be accomplishing much at all. As you go through your day, do you know what the goal or project of the moment  is,  or are you just jumping into the first task or email that catches your eye? Busy people lose time when they are not deliberate about how they spend it. In fact, they get busier. I recommend you structure your time if that isn’t already happening. Take a look at your to-do list, give each item a time limit and decide when you’re going to tackle each one. Timers are great for this.
3. How much time do you spend every week watching “mindless” TV, surfing the internet with no real goal, or finding other ways to not really be present? I dare you to add up the hours. This often happens at the end of the day when you’re too tired to do anything else, but too persistent (or stubborn) to just stop. Practice recognizing when you are tired and allowing yourself to rest. Mindless activity doesn’t refuel you, it just helps you pass (waste) time.
4. Does that time to get to the gym or prepare the healthier meals or read the book for book club always disappear? Do you wonder how “those other women” make it happen? Are these activities or plans on your calendar? Not the imaginary calendar you keep in your head, but the real schedule where you post all your other important dates and times? Many over-extended women tend to resist scheduling the “fun stuff” or the “personal” stuff, because they are already feeling so structured and they tell themselves they want flexibility and freedom. Guess what? Flexibility and freedom require a space to show themselves. If you aren’t getting enough of these things in your life, you need to carve out a space for it. Structure creates freedom and breathing space. Really.
5. Despite your best intentions, does it seem like something else always comes up to sabotage your plans? I’ll tell it to you straight—it’s highly likely that you have some mindset issues that are holding you back. What are your beliefs about time and productivity and self care? How are you feeling about the goals you are pursuing? Any fears, anxieties, or beliefs that you need to pay attention too? This is another spot where investing the time to get some clarity can pay you back in productivity, AND, you may need to push through that troublesome inner voice that tells you you are too busy to stop and take this step.

Time is limited and precious, but spending some on the front end to create a purposeful plan for how you spend your time and your energy will absolutely pay you back.

Take good care,

By the way, I’m putting the finishing touches on a new product that shows you how take and maximize those short pauses and create that purpose, clarity, and motivation at the beginning of your day. I’m hoping to be able to share more details in the next few weeks and I’ll keep you posted (make sure you’ve signed up for my newsletter if you want to be the first to hear).

Is Being “Productive” Sabotaging Your Weight Loss Plan? A Smarter Approach for Busy, Over-achieving Women

April 28th, 2010, No Comments »

If you are an over-achiever in the area of health and weight loss, it could easily be preventing the very goals that you are trying to achieve. Women who are trapped in a cycle of constant activity and “always doing more” end up being exhausted and less productive. Looking for the “perfect” solution and struggling to make changes that don’t fit with your needs and your life can create stress and overwhelm and can even trigger more emotional eating and emotional eating.

Are you ready to get off the diet roller coaster and create a blueprint for success with weight loss and peace with food?

Here are some tips for breaking the over-achieving cycle and creating a path for enduring change:

Start killing the myth that your constant activity is making you more effective and start to identify the price of being an overachiever. Here are some signs to look for: lack of focus, forgetfulness, feeling overwhelmed or stressed, stress eating, overeating at the end of the day (often because you feel too tired to do anything else), starting and quitting one weight loss plan after another, feeling like nothing works for you, a feeling of stress or overwhelm when you think about attempting to take control of your eating.

Be selective about experts and mentors. Start by asking yourself what you already know about your eating and your struggles and what kind of help you are looking for. Remind yourself what you already know about what works—and doesn’t work—for you. Remember, you have more wisdom about yourself than anyone else. Find an expert, mentor, or plan that respects what YOU know and asks you to access your own wisdom—often. Choose one plan or expert to follow and don’t blindly follow anything.

Carve out time to do nothing. Practice breaking the over-achieving cycle and creating breathing space in your life. When we are busy doing, we aren’t really able to tune in and listen to ourselves. When we aren’t doing that, we aren’t able to stay well connected to what we really need. When we aren’t getting what we need, emotional eating is an all-too-easy way to fill in the gaps.  Learn to listen to yourself and to identify what you are really craving (the things you need that aren’t food).

Take on one plan and one do-able change at a time. More is not always better. Often, more is overwhelming and won’t last. Pick lifestyle changes or new ways of eating that are do-able and that work with your life—one at a time. Beware of the voice that tells you you “aren’t doing enough.” Change that feels easy is change that you can stick with and build on. Look for (or create) a plan that allows you to make changes with small structured steps.

Take good care,

Are you an emotional eater ready to make these changes in your life? The Emotional Eating Toolbox™ Take Action Series starts soon. This six week program is all about creating a lasting blueprint for successfully taking control of emotional eating—in a do-able way that fits with your unique life. You can find out all about the program here.

Are you overeating to calm yourself? Three easy ways to start fixing the problem

March 31st, 2010, 2 Comments »

Many busy women overeat when they are stressed, too busy, or overwhelmed. Eating as a way to calm down is a common form of emotional eating. In my my last post, I gave you a list of three things to stop doing so that you could start taking to begin taking control of this type of overeating. Now it’s time to fill in the gaps. Here are three things to start doing instead.

1. Do get into the habit of asking yourself how you are feeling before you eat. Create a ritual of checking in with yourself before you reach for a snack, stop by the vending machine, or serve up your plate. Ask yourself both whether you are physically hungry, and what you are feeling emotionally. Don’t worry if you don’t always know the answers. Creating the habit of checking in with yourself and paying attention to your emotions is an important first step.
2. 2. Do create a list of other calming strategies you can start to experiment with. When you aren’t in the midst of a stressful situation, brainstorm some quick, easy ways you might try calming or soothing yourself. Write them down and keep your list somewhere where it is easy to access. Not all your solutions will work in every situation, but that’s okay. You are creating a list of ideas to try. Some solutions others have tried: a few minutes of deep breathing, a walk around the block or even the office, changing tasks, a bath or shower, calling a friend, putting on some music, yoga or stretching, or making a cup of tea.
3. 3. Do give yourself permission for this not to go perfectly and tweak and adjust as you go. The goal is to increase your control and you will do that as you become more aware of the reasons and times that you overeat and other strategies that help you make different choices. Don’t focus on making “perfect” changes, focus on learning about yourself and identifying changes that work for you, your preferences and your life.

Take good care,

Is Martyrdom Fueling Your Overeating?

August 24th, 2009, No Comments »

Do you overeat when you are stressed or tired or overwhelmed?

Do you flop down exhausted at the end of the day feeling like there is never enough time for you?

Despite your best intentions, do you never seem to get to that exercise plan, that journal that you want to write in, or that fun project you really want to start?

Do you ever feel like no one really understands how much is expected of you?

Are you feeling resentful that there is never enough time to get to you?

If you find yourself answering yes to any of these questions, it’s time to consider whether martyrdom is having a negative impact on your eating, your weight, your health, and your life.

What do I mean by martyrdom?  I’m talking about sacrificing yourself—literally—for whatever cause it is that you choose to be a martyr for.

Martyrdom is not the same as caring for others.  Healthy caring assumes that you are just as human and needy as everyone else.  When you distribute your care, you get an equal share (it’s like dividing up a pizza—everyone gets a piece).

The martyr approach doesn’t work that way.  The martyr assumes that caring for others takes priority or somehow cancels out her own needs. She assumes that in order to be “good” at caring for others (or other responsibilities), she must sacrifice her own agenda.  The martyr believes that “personal stuff” happens after you’ve taken care of everything else. The martyr often says, “I can’t (meditate, go to the gym, ever see my friends, fill-in-the-blank) because Junior’s soccer schedule is so busy or I’ve got that committee work to do or I have to make dinner.  Here’s the litmus test: if Junior has an unscheduled extra practice or the committee calls another meeting, the martyr will move mountains and give up on sleep to make that happen.  Her own needs—they just don’t get the same priority.

The tradeoff for choosing martyrdom is feeling exhausted and deprived and unfed, overlooked, and uncared for.  Resentment usually follows.  Let’s see a show of hands.  When you feel exhausted, deprived, unfed, overlooked and uncared for (with a hefty dash of resentment), who finds those chocolate chip cookies a lot harder to resist?

Martyrdom breeds overeating—of many different types.  When there is never enough time, food becomes an easy-to-turn-to fix for all the unfilled places in your life. If martyrdom is ruling the day, then no matter what great strategies you learn to take control of your emotional eating, you’ll rarely feel entitled to implement them.

How to leave martyrdom behind?  The first simple, big, bold step has to take place in your head.  It comes when you can really truly see the cost of this kind of behavior and let go of the myth that martyrdom is a desirable quality.  It means challenging beliefs you may have that taking time for yourself is selfish.  Care is NOT an either/or proposition.  You don’t have to choose—“Do I care for them or do I care for me?”  The truth is, in order to really be able to provide your best care for anyone else, you have to be in good running order. In a healthy life, self-care and the care of other people and things go together. While you get comfortable with this notion, consider whether you have a support system that can help you settle in to this new way of thinking.  It’s much easier to leave martyrdom behind when you have the support and encouragement of others who believe in what you are doing and will remind you of your priorities along the way.

One more thing—letting go of martyrdom also means accepting the concept of time.  You are not responsible for the fact that there are only 24 hours in a day and that sometimes 24 hours isn’t enough time for everything.  It isn’t your job to take your life off the menu so that others can pretend that they are entitled to a bigger slice of life.  It’s not your job, it’s not fair, and it doesn’t work.<

Am I striking a nerve? Preaching to the choir? I’d love to hear your thoughts and comments.

It’s Not JUST Emotional Eating…More Overeating Traps to Avoid

August 4th, 2009, No Comments »

So you know that you are a stress eater or that you eat for comfort or to cope with a bad day. . .  Emotional eating is a major cause of overeating and weight gain and it’s important to have tools and strategies to take charge in those situations.  But guess what?  Sometimes our urges to eat, binge and overeat are more than a learned way of coping. Sometimes excessive appetite is biologically driven. Here’s a quick easy-to-read overview of some of the research findings on exhaustion, stress and weight gain courtesy of Psychology Today.

We can put our smarts to work and use this knowledge to anticipate tough spots, pre-plan, and strategize.

Take good care,

Melissa