Is Facebook Making You Feel Bad?

The other day I was updating my status on Facebook. I shared about a great run I’d just enjoyed on a particularly beautiful Saturday. As I posted it, and read tidbits about the fun my friends and colleagues were sharing, it occurred to me once again what a skewed view of the world tools like Facebook and Twitter can provide. I was reminded of someone who was telling me about her adventures in online dating (okay, I’ve heard this story a lot more than once). The talk began, “…well, his profile picture was at least 20 years old…”

Social media sites like Facebook provide powerful opportunities to connect, reconnect, and stay connected in ways that are (or used to be) unique. They also provide an almost unparalleled possibility to tweak and censor the view of ourselves we present to the world. If we do enough of that (tweaking and positioning), it’s possible to start believing that version of reality is more authentic than it actually is.

Years ago, studies revealed that women who spent as little as twenty minutes looking at certain style magazines experienced decreases in their self esteem and increased self doubt and worry about their own appearance, body image, and size. The hypothesis was that even a short time viewing women who were portrayed as unrealistically “perfect” (at least physically), left readers feeling like they didn’t measure up. Could this “feeling bad by comparison” be happening to us?

There is so much of real life that rarely gets posted on Facebook or Twitter.

I don’t know about you, but I’m unlikely to post about my skin breaking out from stress or if I’m feeling unsupported and alone, or if my latest project completely tanks. My profile pictures (yes, they’re recent) show me smiling and relaxed. I don’t see a lot of updates about people worried about money or doubting their ability to succeed. Most of us aren’t revealing our moments of despair and self doubt. Oh sure, there are some self-deprecating shares, but we don’t tend to go deep or admit that we’re really scared or insecure, or feeling like a failure.

And yet, we all have these moments.

What’s my point? I am NOT suggesting–at all–that we stop filtering what we share on social media. Facebook and Twitter and their cousins aren’t private conversations and we don’t need to (and shouldn’t) share everything with everyone. I believe it’s important to be clear (especially if you use these services for business) what the goal of your participation really is. I’m wondering though, about how we are influenced by what everyone else is sharing or presenting–and what they aren’t. And I’m wondering if all the happy, joyful, optimistic, or even the digging-down-deep-in-the-face-of-a-challenge updates and tweets may be intimidating us or increasing our own self doubt. Could they be making it even harder to admit our own struggles or ask for help with what we need?

It’s so important to remember that there are a lot of conversations that aren’t happening via social media–or at least not often. Unfortunately, what isn’t being said doesn’t show up in your news feed.

On a related note, a few women have shared with me that they’d like to follow the Too Much On Her Plate Facebook Page, but they are wary about other people seeing that they experience overwhelm, overload, or overeating. I absolutely get that (and please, take charge of your privacy settings to control what you choose to share). I also hear the other side of this type of concern–every day.

One of the biggest reasons savvy women get stuck and don’t get where they want to go–in their business, their life, their relationships, or with their health and weight–is because:

a) they feel alone and embarrassed about whatever isn’t coming easily for them, and

b) they are stuck in the mindset that being “strong” means being able to do things (especially personal health and lifestyle things) without help.

The truth? Being and feeling alone and unsupported means it’s up to you to reinvent the wheel. Every time. It could be so much easier.

So, this post ends with two questions–and I’d really like to hear your thoughts. Do Facebook and Twitter ever leave you comparing yourself and worried that you come up short?. . . And how can we have some of the other nitty gritty conversations? How can we talk about what we struggle with, what’s not working, and what keeps us up at night without giving up our privacy and our boundaries? Is there a place for this kind of authenticity on Facebook? Should there be? If not there, where are you finding this opportunity in your life?

Take good care,

Want to join the Too Much On Her Plate page? Come visit and help us create a more rounded conversation. Click on the “wall tab” and let us know how we can help you be your best self and not fall into the comparison or “image” trap.

Facebook comments:

7 Responses to “Is Facebook Making You Feel Bad?”

Martha says:

May 11, 2010 at 1:49 pm

Facebook can make me feel bad because I recently lost my mom and younger brother and I don’t feel like I can express my grieving or sorrow. I don’t feel like I can ask for support or help – and these people are supposed to be my friends. They know I just experienced a tremendous tragedy and yet most of them do not offer any type of support at all. Some of them offer words of encourgement of holidays. However, I need these words on an every day basis. I don’t have many people I can talk to – fortunatley, I have a wonderful therapist who listens and talks to me once a week. He is the only reason I am surviving. It does hurt to know that my friends on Facebook are carrying on with thier lives and are living happily with their families. I no longer have a family and I am hurting a great deal. I don’t feel like I can express that for fear of looking like a basket case or like I am not strong enough or something. So, yes, sometimes Facebook does make me feel bad.
Melissa McCreery says:

May 11, 2010 at 4:00 pm

Martha-thanks for sharing so candidly–and I am very sorry to hear of your loss. I know that grief can feel like such a lonely road–at it can be a long winding one. I am glad to hear that you have found someone who can help you as you go through it. We all need outlets and places we can communicate and social media sites like Facebook don’t fit the bill for all occasions. Sometimes nothing beats face-to-face contact. I hope that you are taking good care of yourself as you go through this tough time.
Ann says:

August 6, 2010 at 7:38 pm

I found myself on your site, I had googled “why does facebook make me feel bad”, so, I think I’m in the right place. I am so sorry Martha. I had tears in my eyes immediately after you had written “my Mom and brother died”, and it is not even that “time” of month for me! I know we can’t bring them back, and I believe what Melissa says, that a place like facebook can be deceiving, and hurt us rather then help us. Facebook to me, is like walking up on a busy street corner and you see someone you haven’t seen in ages standing there, and you exclaim “HI!!! How are you!!!” and that is as deep as you may get with the people that are there. You will be offended, if, say the person standing there is your sister, or your cousin and they don’t even turn around to say “HI!” and how about if you say “HI!” to someone standing there and they don’t even turn around and look at you!! Yikes!! We therefore feel worse then before we walked up in the first place. I hope you can go and find a person to talk with. Maybe going to church, a big one, that has a group your age in it. I am 50 and I’ve tried everything. It was church where I met lots of people, and was able to meet people. I went to a counselor to talk about things I felt uncomfortable to share with people, and I went to a grieving group to talk with other people about my loss, and they understood. I didn’t talk about the same things with everyone. That would be like going to McDonalds to buy a car (!). Going to classes, especially exercise and yoga classes they are a great place to relax and find people who just like to be around others. Good luck in your journey. I am rooting for you, and you can get through this, it will be hard at first, but the next thing you know, you will be feeling less depression when you find the right place to take care of the right issues. Thanks for listening.
Laura Mueller says:

September 17, 2010 at 7:29 pm

I am feeling lonely when I see my two sisters on facebook chatting w/”100s” of Fb friends. They very rarely, in real life, talk with me, phone me or e-mail me. Each time I see they talk with many and not much with their own sister it is difficult for me. I am single and live alone so maybe this is especially hard for me. Thanks for reading.
Laura says:

October 15, 2010 at 1:48 pm

Hardest for me – as a stay-home mom of 4 kids – are the posts from other moms about how “perfect” their lives, kids and husbands are. It’s interesting that a group of moms who are gathered in person will not hesitate to expound on the difficulties of motherhood, and share ideas and support. But on facebook there is this strange facade people hide behind. Perhaps that’s why it’s called “FACE-book”… I sometimes end up feeling like a bad mom because my friend just posted “Sunny day, 5 gorgeous kids, doting husband… life doesn’t get better than this!” In the meantime, my 5 month old is having her second full-on tantrum, there are piles of clutter in every single room and I’m still in my pjs at 11 a.m. It’s easy to believe my friend is doing something right, and I just don’t get it.
Debbie says:

February 2, 2011 at 8:40 pm

I was a career woman for 16 yrs after college, but decided to be a stay at home mom when my son was born 2 years ago (I am now 40). I love Facebook in some ways as it keeps me connected to so many people that I may have already lost touch with.

However, it can hurt as well when you notice that someone has probably hidden your profile (they never comment on your occasional post -but are always commenting on others), or just seeing pictures of people with their big groups of friends from a million years ago, etc.

Or if you ever get defriended…that can be so very painful even at my age. It is almost worse than high school in a way now that I think about it! ha ha!
Matthew says:

February 6, 2011 at 6:38 am

Melissa, you are spot on. Recent research from Stanford shows that Facebook is making us sad: http://www.slate.com/id/2282620/

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