What to Do When You’re Tired of Starting Over Again | TMOHP Episode 177

Hey everybody. Welcome back to the podcast. When it comes to creating peace with food, I spend a lot of time helping women break a certain cycle. It's the cycle of overeating where you're: one, working to make changes, you decide to make a change. And then two, something happens after however long you work to make changes and you blow it or it all gets ruined, or you get off track. And then three, you start over again.

And again, and again and again, right? It's a cycle. You've probably been on that hamster wheel, and you might have discovered that when you are on it, over time, you end up heavier. Not just with weight, but with discouragement, with frustration, and maybe even a lack of hope. The cycle actually makes things worse instead of making things better.

I talk a lot about ending the starting over cycle, and not ever having to start over again. So I definitely see the irony in this podcast episode, which is about how to start over. But here is the thing. There is something very fresh about starting over. I just started a new blank journal. And there was something special about that. I bought a new planner. I love new planners. I love that feeling of beginning. And even though my kids are adults, I love the whole September back to school season when it happens, right?

That opportunity to start a new routine. I love sitting down with a fresh, clean piece of paper and a pen that I love and creating a plan. And I love the feeling of a fresh new week, or a fresh new month, or a new season, or a new year. There is a way to start over and over and over and over. That is really just a hope sucking, vicious cycle.

It's a hamster wheel that probably makes things worse. And there's a way of starting over, or I actually like the term resetting, that can help you build momentum. Help you build motivation. And help you move forward in a better way so that you get better and longer term results.

Today in this episode, I want to cover the right way to start over on Monday. Or the first of the month, or when the new phase of the moon is, or whenever it is you want to start over. The right way to start over is not taking a look at that wall that you have been repeatedly running up against, and then getting yourself worked up, taking a deep breath and charging at it once again.

But unfortunately, that is what a lot of smart women do when they want to stop overeating or lose weight. You dive back into the same old thing and you try harder. And diet culture has helped you with that. Because the myth is if you weren't successful with your plan to change your eating, then you're the one to blame.

And the natural move in this situation is to jump back in with more determination and try harder. And as we've talked about a lot on this podcast, this is how you end up on an overeating hamster wheel, feeling burnt out and a lot less effective.

So say you've gotten off track and you are ready to reset. You want to get into some kind of a groove. You want to start over. You can. You can do anything you want. You're the boss, and when you start over, there are some key modifications that can make all the difference. When you are ready to start over, there are some things I recommend. Ready?

Number one, you can probably say it with me. Number one, take a deep breath.

I know I always start with the breath, right? I always start with breathing because it's important. Taking a breath, noticing your breath. It gets you present. It reminds you that you are you. It reminds you that you're the one driving this bus. So pause for a minute. Breathe. Get yourself into a place where you're ready to create action intentionally instead of reacting in panic, or in despair, or out of frustration. Reacting, which is what we do when we feel like, “oh my gosh, I’ve got to do something.”

Reacting involves very little thought, if any. And reactions tend to be made up of old, familiar behaviors, and old usually, or quite often old and not helpful, or old and unexamined ways of talking to yourself or thinking things through. Reactions tend to be automatic behaviors and beliefs.

And it's easy to fall into reaction mode if you're stressed or tired or busy or overwhelmed. So take a breath. I'm willing to predict that if you look at your history, too many efforts to overhaul your eating habits have been made from an anxious place of, "ugh, I have to do something." That's reacting.

Take a deep breath and decide. Decide that you are going to take charge of how you move forward, and how you start over this time.

So stopping. Breathing, creating this sense of purposefulness. In some ways, it sounds so simple, but this is probably the most common step that smart women skip when they want to change their eating. This step of taking your power back because that's what it is. This step is so important that inside Your Missing Piece, the first step in our training is definitely not a food plan.

It is setting you up for this. It is a whole bunch of tools and coaching. And exercises that you work through so that you get to a place where you are empowered, where you are intentional, where you have tools that you are using to grow your confidence, and your motivation. We don't dive into strategies for comfort eating or stress eating until we've done this, because if we did, you would still be in reaction mode.

If you're going to start over, reacting without thinking, reacting without taking this breath, it is going to send you back onto a hamster wheel that hasn't worked. You want to start over with clear intentions, and a solid, but also doable plan. This means taking that time to think about what you want, not just a goal, not just what do I want to achieve, but how do you want this new starting over to feel?

And what do you know won't work for you? What do you know about what you don't want? And in that vein, after taking a breath, the second thing I want to talk about in starting over effectively is to take a look at what's been stopping you.

If you've been hitting a wall. Before you do anything, take the time to get familiar with the obstacles. What's been going on? Are you running out of steam? Ask yourself why.

If you've been flaking out, instead of staying accountable. First of all, take the blame out of this. Maybe you're not flaking out. Maybe there's a reason, right? Ask yourself what you need to keep moving forward. Ask yourself what you need to keep your butt in gear. Ask yourself why you haven't been able to do it. Starting over is an exercise in frustration. If what you're doing is the same thing repeatedly, but expecting different results, we know that in other areas of our life, right?

Starting over is an exercise in frustration. If you do it that way, it becomes a powerful step forward. When you leverage what you've learned in the past and you use it to create a different path this time. So create a process for examining what's working and what isn't. Check in with yourself, evaluate it every week, and it's not just about the actions. The way that you think, and the beliefs that you have are probably almost definitely a part of the reason that you find yourself starting over again.

In fact, there's certainly a reason.

I know that I talk a lot about thoughts and beliefs in this podcast, and I also know that these can be hard to access or to shift on your own. It can be hard to see your own thoughts with your own brain, but take the time to be curious. I can't tell you how much time we spend coaching inside my programs on things like perfectionism, and negative beliefs, or guilt and shame. That would totally sink members if they didn't have a place to call them out. And if they didn't have support in shifting them. And if they didn't have coaching, that allowed them to start to see things from a different vantage point.

Okay, number three. Break things down. As impatient as you might feel, it's time to start over. "I have to start over. I have to do something." Remember, that's the reaction mode. As impatient as you might feel, lasting results come from an approach that you can maintain.

You want steps that you can stick with, and maybe build on down the road, and listen. I know if you're anything like me, you got a million tabs open on your computer. Although a million is a little bit of an exaggeration. Contrary to what the part of our brain that does this might believe the truth is backed by research. We know that we accomplish more, we accomplish things more effectively when we focus on one thing at a time.

I know your brain doesn't believe this. My brain doesn't believe it either, but it's true. Don't be afraid to take small steps. Or don't be afraid to target one overeating, or one emotional eating challenge, or one difficult time of day at a time. It is not going to slow you down. When you give yourself permission to keep your actions doable and focused, you're going to be surprised to find that the impact is actually broader than you suspect.

The truth is, your brain is probably telling you that when you start over, you have to change lots of things, and you have to change them now. That's one of those faulty beliefs that I just mentioned.

I have been helping women with this stuff for 30 years now. And I can tell you that A, that's not true. You usually need to change less than you think. And B, the things your brain are telling you that you have to do first, those things which you probably dread the most, are probably not the most essential things. I know that sounds ridiculous, but I really believe that's true.

And I've seen it be true with clients over and over and over again and in my own life, every day it is okay to let it be easier. And if you need help with this, you're not the only one joining a program like Your Missing Peace can disappear a ton of guilt and shame.

Things happen differently, and more quickly when you hear and meet other women who have the same struggles, and results come faster when you've got guidance and support and coaching to get out of your own way. And this is really hard to do. Let things be easier. All right.

Okay, number four, if you want to start over, this is another one of those key things that you want to remember. You want to brace or support the doable steps that you decide to take with the tools that you need, and with accountability and with support. When you start over in an effective way, you start by considering what has tripped you up in the past, and you do your best to address these things in a proactive way, right? Instead of jumping back on that old hamster wheel.

 Given what you already know based on past experience, what tools or skills do you want to strengthen as you start over this time? What do you need help with? How would you rate your ability to be accountable to your commitments? Keep your promises to yourself. Do you need help with this? Do you need help growing this ability? Always take the time to evaluate your support system when you're starting over. Avoid that voice in your head that says, "I should be able to do this on my own."

We all have one of those, or most of us high achievers do. Taking the time to consider ways to expand your support, and make sure that you're taking advantage of the support that you have always pays off. And you just might build some new muscles in your brain by doing this.

It change is so much easier when you don't feel out there all by yourself. It is so much easier when you don't need to reinvent all the wheels, all the time. You don't have to do that.

Okay, last piece of starting over that I think is key. You want to create a plan to learn from your missteps, and to learn from falling off track so you can keep moving forward. Because spoiler alert, you are going to fall off track as you keep moving forward. Just because you are starting over does not mean that this time suddenly you are going to be able to execute everything you decide to do magically, perfectly. So you want to create a plan to learn from what doesn't work. From the places that you fall off track.

There's actually a giant benefit to starting over, but it's only there if you don't start over completely. If you don't start thinking you're starting from scratch. This giant benefit, it happens when you use starting over as a way to reset yourself. As a way to reset mentally. As a way to refresh or adjust your plan, after you have evaluated what has happened in the past.

And this is a reminder for all of us perfectionists, and basically this is a reminder for everyone, you need to hear this. Stop blaming yourself for all your mistakes. Stop blaming yourself for every time you fell off track. Stop blaming yourself for your missteps. These are dead ends. Blame just leads to guilt, and shame, and less confidence. It's a dead end. Use the critical thinking skills that you use in the rest of your life. Ask yourself, okay, wait a minute. What went wrong with the last plan? How did it not fit me? Why didn't it work? What led to it being unsustainable? Why did I end up here, once again?

. When you start over, before you even start over, give yourself permission to fail. Give yourself permission to find out what doesn't work for you. Whether you do this alone or you get support to help you with this, this is probably going to be the most effective move you can make to create peace with food.

Truly honestly, your failures are gold. Use your failures to get clearer and clearer on the approaches and the actions that fit you the best and let go of the ones that didn't work. Rework the ones that didn't work.

When you allow yourself to learn and grow from your mistakes or your screw ups, by getting curious about what didn't work, when you take away the blame, when you start learning about yourself and about what works for you and what doesn't work, you are going to see much better results.

So I've covered some key points about what I think about when I start over, or really when I create a reset for myself so that I can keep going. I would love to hear your thoughts about this, and if you found this episode helpful, it would mean a lot if you would take 30 seconds to make sure you're following the podcast, rate it, and leave a review.

Oh, and why not share this episode with a friend? I'll talk to you soon.