When Changing Your Overeating Feels Hopeless | TMOHP Episode 134

If you feel like you’re stuck on a hamster wheel with overeating, you’re in good company. You’re probably aware of your patterns with food and the cycles of discipline and feeling “out of control,” but you may be less aware of the ways that the diet industry and diet mentality have eroded your hope and your confidence in your ability to change your eating habits and your relationship with food. In this episode, I’m shining a light on how powerful myths contribute to guilt, self-blame, and a loss of hope in your ability to make lasting changes. I’m also sharing three key points for regaining hope and confidence and creating the changes you desire.

In this episode:

  • How diet mentality perpetuates a cycle of self-blame and may have disconnected you from your hope and confidence.
  • Peace with food creates happiness and happiness creates peace with food.
  • Should you just be happy with the way things are?
  • Resources to support you in growing your hope and confidence and creating freedom from overeating.

Resources mentioned in this episode:

  • The Freedom from Overeating Roadmap for Smart, Busy Women is your guide to ending overeating and emotional eating habits. Designed for multitaskers and busy women, you’ll take your power back from overeating with this free guide which includes resources for addressing the reasons you overeat and a user guide for Dr. Melissa’s most popular podcast episodes. Download your roadmap here: https://toomuchonherplate.com/map/
  • Take the free Hidden Hungers Quiz. The free Hidden Hungers Quiz was designed to help you target the reason you're overeating so you can create changes that last. Take a few minutes to find out what you're really craving (that isn't food) and get your Hidden Hunger profile and customized action guide. Join over 34,000 women who have used the free quiz to get to the root of their overeating and emotional eating.
  • Your Missing Peace is my signature 6-month program for women ready to stop overeating and emotional eating for good. Enrollment is open and NOW is the perfect time to join us! Go here to learn more
  • Join the Freedom from Overeating and Emotional Eating Community on Facebook
  • Private Coaching for Emotional Eating and Overeating: I have openings in my schedule to work with about twelve women a year and openings are filled as space becomes available. Private coaching meetings are scheduled via Zoom or phone and we can connect from anywhere in the world. Private coaching is customized to you and your goals and we'll work together for a minimum of six months. Learn more and apply here.
  • Visit http://toomuchonherplate.com for more tips and resources to create peace with food and overcome overeating and emotional eating

Episode Transcript

Hey everybody, I hope you're having a good week, whenever it is that you're listening to this episode. As I am recording this, we are in the midst of a big event inside my free private Facebook group. We're in the midst of a workshop series that I am running. And it's really been very cool over there. The community, the interaction, the opportunity to jump in and read people's comments and answer questions.

It is such a reminder to me of the value of community and the value of support, the importance of this. And I think that's very relevant to what I want to talk about today, which is the feeling of hopelessness that can come up when you have been trying to change overeating habits or emotional eating habits or binging at night habits, and it just feels like you're not getting anywhere.

We forget sometimes that we are not in this alone. And you are not the only one who feels the way that you feel or who is working on the things that you are working on. So if you haven't discovered the free Facebook group, I'm going to put the link in the show notes and I want to invite you to come join us over there. You don't have to do this by yourself.

Today's podcast episode came about because of an interaction I had with somebody a couple of weeks ago, I guess it was, which also brought me back to numerous interactions that I've had over the years that I think are important to talk about. I had a potential client, somebody who was interested in possibly working with me or joining Your Missing Peace quit on herself a few weeks ago.

We were having some conversations about working together and what that would look like. And she was pretty excited about it. And she told me that she knew this direction that I was describing was what she needed. But that ultimately, the more she thought about it, she was too afraid. These were her words.

She had this trail of broken promises to herself. Times that she had tried that hadn't worked out. Things that she told herself that she would do that she wasn't able to follow through on. And what she told me was that she was afraid, she was too afraid that she would disappoint herself again.

And what she said was, she said, "honestly, it is not you. I am just too afraid to try." Oh, I felt that one in the gut. Because that lack of hope, that lack of ability to believe I can do this, is exactly why I do this work. It is exactly why you're going to hear me talk about empowerment and about getting your confidence back and about becoming the CEO of your relationship with food and with your life. Over and over and over again.

Diet mentality, which you have likely been exposed to for most of your life, diet mentality teaches you that there is one way to get results. Although that one way is always changing. There's always a new way or a better way. But there is one way it is a plan and you are supposed to suck it up and follow it.

You are supposed to follow that plan that diet mentality that the diet world gives you and you are supposed to follow it rigidly. Maybe you get a cheat day or two. That's how rigid it is you need to have cheat days to be able to do it. But other than what they give you are supposed to be on Duty.

You're supposed to follow the plan and if the plan doesn't work If you don't stick to it, if you "fall off track", it's all your fault. And the only thing to do after you blame yourself and then feel guilty about that whole falling off track thing, the only option is to pick yourself up and start over again.

You pick yourself up, you start over again and you be better and you be stronger and you be more disciplined this time around. I'm pretty sure you can recognize this pattern. You've probably lived it. This is how vicious cycles with food and overeating and dieting are created. This is how yo yo weight loss happens.

And this is also how confidence is eroded. This is how smart, amazing women begin to feel like they are not capable of creating freedom from their overeating habits. This cycle of being given a plan and it's your job to stick to it. And if you can't stick to it, if it doesn't work, it's all your fault.

And so you've fallen off track and now you have to get back on and you have to be bigger and stronger and more powerful this time and run faster. This is the diet hamster wheel. And it is the process that may very well have brought you to the place where you are now wondering, Ugh, do I just need to give up? Do I have any confidence at all in myself?

Like that client or potential client that I was telling you about. Just in case, there's a slim possibility that you are not connecting with what I'm talking about. So just in case, let me give you some other examples of things that I have heard women in this spot of wondering and feeling hopeless.

Here's some things I've heard them say. I've heard them say, well, I guess I've reached the point where I just need to decide, do I, do I really try one more time or one more thing, or do I just need to give up and accept that eating just is this way? My weight just is this way. I'm just going to be unhappy with this habit that I have.

Or sometimes they will say things like, how could this be any different? How could this time possibly be different? Is change even possible for me? And by the way, I am not implying any blame here when I, when I share these thoughts. These are normal thoughts that happen when you've been told over and over again that changes your job, that there's only one way to do it. And if you can't do it this way, it's all your fault.

So another common thought is, all right, if this was going to happen, if my eating was going to change, if I was going to lose the weight, wouldn't it have happened by now? And then there's that thought of resignation. Maybe I just need to be happy with the way things are. Maybe I just need to accept that this is the way things are and decide to be happy.

I have a lot to say here, but I think I'm going to distill it to three main points. The first one is that one of the biggest things that diet mentality robs us of is hope. I'm going to repeat that myth that diet mentality leaves us believing over and over and over again because it is so important.

I'm going to repeat what I just said earlier. We are led to believe that failure of the plan means that you failed. The plan didn't work so it's your fault. Not that it was a faulty plan. Right? And if you repeat that belief over and over and over again, if you live this pattern over and over and over again, it starts to sound like, and feel like it's you that aren't capable of making changes.

This is false. The truth is that that plan or that approach or that set of beliefs wasn't capable of creating the changes that you are looking for.

Notice how that lands for you. And if a part of you says, Oh no, but if I had tried harder, if I had been different... exactly! It was not the plan for you. That plan or that approach or that set of beliefs wasn't capable of creating the changes that you are looking for.

There is a huge difference. It was the plan's fault. It wasn't you. There is no one way. I am going to say that again. There is no one way. Sometimes people will ask me about Your Missing Peace, which is, is my program for creating freedom from overeating.

And okay, so, so what do we do and how do we eat? And wait a minute. Inside Your Missing Peace, you are going to create an approach that is individualized. That fits you. That honors who you are. You are going to hear over and over and over again from me that there is no one way, and you're going to be asked questions that are kind of, feel maybe strange or interesting or confusing to answer because it's all about what works for you. Not how do I follow a predetermined set of rules.

There is no one right way. There is no one way that works for everyone. And by the way, this is also why you don't get handed a food plan when we work together. I mean, I won't ever hand you a food plan. But before we even talk about how you get to decide, because you get to decide how you're going to make food choices that aren't a diet. And what the way of eating is that's going to work for you and that fits you. We have to do what's essential before we can address the food, we have to address your hope and your confidence right from the beginning.

You are not broken. The diet industry might have disconnected you from your own wisdom and from your confidence. But you are still smart and you still know you better than anyone else. This is something you need to remember if you want to create the results that you want. This is something you need to remember.

And by this, I mean that you are wise. And that there is a confidence inside you. That you are smart. And that you know yourself better than anyone else. We have to put that piece back into place, like reconnect those connections before we can move on to changing food or, or what habits you want to build or any of that.

It has to come from a place where you remember that you get to be in control. So my first point is the diet mentality has robbed you of hope. And you need and you deserve to get that back.

Here's the second point I want to make. The second thing to know if you are feeling like throwing your hands up in the air and wondering if you just need to quit because this is impossible is this if this time is going to be different remember that question: How can this be different?

How can I do it if I haven't done it by now? How am I going to do it? If this time is going to be different? It needs to truly be different. You can't just keep jumping back on that hamster wheel, asking yourself to run harder and harder and expect to get different results.

If this time is going to be different, it needs to be truly different. And different does not mean pumping yourself up to try harder. Pumping yourself up to be more consistent. Yelling at yourself to have more discipline.

Different means shifting gears. It's stepping off the hamster wheel and doing it differently. It means stopping and taking into account what hasn't worked for you before. Not how you haven't worked. But what hasn't worked for you before from the ground up, taking that into account and making adjustments.

And this part might blow your mind a little bit because we're going to go way outside the realm of diet mentality. Doing it differently, taking inventory of what hasn't worked for you in the past and making adjustments probably goes way beyond making decisions about food. This is way bigger than realizing, Oh, I don't like boneless, skinless chicken breasts. So maybe I need a food plan that doesn't include those.

Being honest with yourself about what hasn't worked for you before might involve everything from the way you talk to yourself. To rooting out diet mentality that is setting you up for failure. To finding a way of eating that you love and figuring out ways to get some needs met without relying on chocolate or wine or a bag of chips.

Again, this is why when we work together, we start with steps that will put you back in touch with your power, your wisdom, your confidence, your unstoppability, your ability to listen to you. Freedom from overeating does not begin with a list of things you have to do. It has to begin with you being in charge. This is how you get results. This is how you get your confidence and your hope back.

Here's the third point that I want to make. I want to address that thought, maybe I just need to be happy with the way things are. Maybe I just need to be happy now. And I want to say yes and no. You do deserve to build your happiness.

I often have people ask me, well, do I just need to settle? Do I just need to give up on my goals? You get to have any goal you want to have. And you deserve to build your happiness and build toward what it is that you want. And your happiness is also important now. It is a big big mistake, but also a very common mistake to decide that I'll be happy when I've achieved my goal.

The weight loss industry feeds us this like candy. I'll be happy when... once I lose the weight, once I figure out the food, then I'll feel better. I'll give myself these things. Once I've achieved my goal. Once I've succeeded. Once I have, usually, lost the weight.

No, this is so critical. I really want you to hear this. The destination, that place that you arrive to, whatever your goal is, it is going to feel like the path you took to get there.

So for instance, if your goal is weight loss and you lose a bunch of weight by following a very rigid plan and white knuckling it. And being really hard on yourself and yelling at yourself to do things and going without and feeling miserable and feeling deprived.

You may look down one day and see that number on the scale. But you are not all of a sudden going to change into a happy go lucky woman who has a relaxed and comfortable relationship with food that works for her and that keeps her at her goals. The destination is going to feel like the path you took to get there.

So this is why when I'm working with somebody, we are looking for the simplest way. The most fun way. The way that fits her the best. Again, this is why doing, doing things from an individualized approach or with an individualized perspective is so important. This is your relationship with food. And so you want to be working to discover or playing to discover or experimenting to discover because when you're doing this, it doesn't have to feel like work.

You want to be playing around to find the way of eating and making changes that actually feels good while you're doing it. Not the way of eating and making changes that, okay, it doesn't feel good and I hate it, but if I hold on, maybe I will get the results I want.

The path you take is what the destination is going to feel like. If you feel miserable and deprived or hungry, or, like you're holding on for dear life while you're changing your eating, It's not going to last.

Or for as long as you're able to make it last you will feel miserable and deprived and hungry and like you're going without. This is completely unnecessary. It is a way of doing things, it's an approach that you have had reinforced by diet mentality and deprivation thinking. It is completely unnecessary.

I want you to hear this. Peace with food creates happiness and peace with food is created by happiness. Here's the bottom line. It can be different. You can get off the hamster wheel. You don't have to keep running on the hamster wheel. It can be different. It is possible. Don't forget that.

And if you want help getting there, or if you feel stuck in blind spots, there are a few ways that I can help. The first is this podcast. These episodes are designed to show you how to do things differently. And if you haven't already, you probably want to download the free podcast roadmap. You can get that at TooMuchOnHerPlate.com/map. And I will put that link in the show notes.

If you want to work with me and access a step by step process, along with the coaching and the support and also the time to make freedom from overeating your go to approach and really get it ingrained into your system and your thinking and your habits, Your Missing Peace is my signature program for creating freedom from overeating.

When you join me in that program, you get training and tools. You'll get new strategies. And importantly, you're going to get coaching with me to really do it differently from the ground up. All that stuff we talked about, about your confidence and your hope and getting your trust back in yourself, remembering how smart you are. That is where we start. And again, I'm going to put the link to that as well as the link to the roadmap in the show notes. The final option for getting more help from me, and I'm not sure how much longer I will offer this is private coaching.

At this point, I do work with a small number of women each year, individually. It is a bigger investment than Your Missing Peace. And when we work together in private coaching, our work is of course, entirely customized and geared towards Where you are, what your goals are, what is going to work best for you. So if that is something that you're interested in, you are also going to want to check out the show notes for more information.

Okay, is it time to give up? Absolutely not. And, it might be time to change your approach. If you are now realizing that you have been running harder and harder on that self-blame diet hamster wheel approach that the diet industry has sold you, it is time to find the exit.

I'll talk to you soon.

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Your Missing Peace is the psychologist-designed program that provides the tools, the support, the coaching, and the confidence to create freedom from emotional eating and overeating. Finally - emotional eating help done right! Your Missing Peace is specifically designed for smart, high-achieving women who are DONE with diets, who want a lasting solution, and who are ready to take their power back from food, from overeating, and the scale. 

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