Why You’re Not Seeing Results | TMOHP Episode 086

Are you frustrated and feeling like you aren't seeing results in your journey to overcome overeating and emotional eating? This episode is for you. One of the tricky things about breaking old habits and doing things a different way, is that we can easily miss the signs that what we’re doing is working. Ending overeating in a way that creates peace and freedom requires a different approach than you - or your brain - are used to.

Change happens in a different way, sometimes in a different order than you might expect, and the signs of progress are likely not what you’ll expect if you’ve spent your life fighting with diets and deprivation.

In this episode:

  • Why you might be getting better results than you think
  • The risk of quitting on yourself too early (when things are actually working)
  • How not to miss signs of progress
  • Real-life coaching examples of results you may be missing and of how to end overeating habits one step at a time

Resources mentioned in this episode:

Episode Transcript

Hello everybody. Today I want to talk with you about a major source of frustration and a major source of getting nowhere with trying to change your relationship with food or trying to stop binging or overeating or trying to lose weight. And that is what to do about not seeing results. And specifically, I want to talk with you about why you might not be seeing results. And it's not what you think. Right?

So of course if you're not seeing results, you get frustrated, you get impatient, you quit, or you push yourself too hard and then you, it becomes unsustainable. You lose your hope, you lose your confidence... But here's the thing, just because you're not seeing results does not necessarily mean you are not getting results. There's some really important things to remember here. 

If you are somebody who is working to create freedom from overeating and peace with food and break those cycles of deprivation thinking and move out of diet culture and diet mentality. It is so important to remember that you want something different, you are building something different. But here is the mistake that happens all the time. And don't blame yourself if you see yourself here, because it happens all the time to all the smartest and the most successful and the most capable people. Right? It's a human. I think it's human nature. 

You want something different. You know, you don't want to do it the same old way. You know, you want to get off the hamster wheel. You want something different. But our brains tend to, even though we know we want to change, we tend to look for a path and we tend to look for a destination that feels the same as what we are used to. And so, when you start something new, so maybe you join the Missing Peace program, or you've been listening to this podcast and you are working to implement the kind of things that I'm talking about. You took the Hidden Hungers quiz. You're playing around trying to understand more about the reasons that you're overeating.

But your brain is still steeped in deprivation thinking and diet mentality, and you are doing something different, but you are looking for a path and a destination that feels the same as the path you have always been on. When it comes to changing your eating or ending overeating. When that happens, the danger is you're, you're looking over here for results, but you're doing things over on the other side. You're going to miss what's working. And because you miss what's working. And you miss the wins that are happening and the things that are changing. You lose motivation. And then because it feels like, okay, I'm not seeing results, this isn't working. I'm not feeling motivated to keep doing it, because why would I? You quit too early on yourself. 

You don't see that you are actually creating the very thing that you want. And you quit. And you walk away. When so many times I see this, so often the results are just up ahead around the corner. And by results I mean the results that look like changes in your eating. Ending the binges, losing the cravings, and yeah, losing weight. If that is something that's important to you.

Part of the problem is that the old way of doing things and the old way of measuring, you know, is this working, you know, jumping on the scale a million times a day and standing on one foot and making sure you've taken all your clothes off and gone to the bathroom before you do that. The old way of measuring results is not in sync with doing things the new way. Right?

So if you've been listening to this podcast, if you came to the podcast because you are over the yo-yo weight loss cycles and the obsessive dieting and being slave to the scale and all that kind of stuff. The way to get the results that you want, which in my world in the Missing Peace program, are things like losing an overeating habit without really trying. Without, you know, force of will or as happens all the time, waking up and realizing one day that it has been months since you've actually binged. Or that you've lost weight and you weren't obsessively trying to do it. You weren't on a diet, you weren't tracking. Or realizing one day that you don't even know where your scale is. You have forgotten that habit that you used to have of weighing yourself every single morning. But your favorite jeans fit you and you aren't obsessed with what you're eating because the thing that you are doing feels natural.

If you are looking for the kind of results where you are the woman who is free from overeating and has a peaceful relationship with food. Then the way you get there is going to be different than the way you created the relationship with food that didn't work for you. I know that on one level this is incredibly obvious, and yet our brains need to hear it again and again.

The way you get the results that you want, results that show up differently and feel different. And last differently than all the stuff that hasn't worked. Is that you do it differently. You create a different path toward those results. Right? It's not about doing the same old thing that never worked. It's about doing it differently. It's about creating a different relationship with food. It's about creating a relationship with food where you think differently about yourself. And you think differently about your eating. 

If you are going to create different results, you are also going to create different habits. Different habits around eating different habits, about thinking about food, different habits, about how you choose what you eat. That work better for you. You're going to create a relationship with food where you're feeding your hidden hungers. Where you're checking in with yourself. When you're thinking about and asking yourself about what you really need, that isn't food. Where you're looking at the reasons that you're overeating. All of this is really different than the old way of buckling down and being strong and trying to lose weight or stop eating at night or end the binging. Right? Just knock it off. That kind of thinking. This is very different. 

If you are trying to create a different result, one that feels different and looks different and is lasting and lasting in a way that's easy. You're going to create a different path. A path where you have ditched the deprivation thinking. And where you, you have moved out of those cycles of the blame and the guilt. And yes, again, the diet mentality that always has left you feeling bad. And probably has resulted all those bad feelings in the guilt and the self-blame, and it's too hard and I can't do it, and I don't have enough willpower. Probably if you are like most people actually contributes to another cycle of overeating or to another binge.

If you want different results, then you are going to need a different path than that old hamster wheel that brought you the old results or the old lack of results, or that vicious cycle was overeating. That even you know right now, you might feel currently like you are stuck in it or like you keep returning to it. So you need a different path. 

Bear with me. I know there is some repetitiveness here, but it is so important because our brain repeats the same old stuff over and over again and we really need to embed this. You need a different path. You're going to get to a new destination by choosing a new path and moving forward in a different way than you have used in the past. And it's going to feel different. It's going to look different. And, this is key, the signs that is that it is working are going to be different. 

So when you choose a new approach because you want different results, the signs that is is working, the signs that you are getting results are going to be different. And as simple as this sounds, your brain kind of explodes around this. Your brain will doubt that something is working. Because brains are not they hate change. Those, the, the familiar pathways are really ingrained and your brain is going to want to measure success by those old deprivation metrics. Right? 

And this is where so many smart, capable people who are actually doing things that are working. That are bringing them results get messed up. And I don't want this to happen to you. I don't want you to quit too soon. I don't want you to quit on yourself. And I certainly cuz, because part of what happens is you tell yourself you're not getting results and okay, what is old and familiar and what does your brain know how to do? It's okay, we'll just go back to that old way. We'll just double down on that old vicious cycle that tells me it's my fault. I just need more willpower. If I could just work harder, I could get it this time. And because it is familiar, even though you don't like it, it is so easy to go back to that. Right?

So, so important, if you want something new, you need to do it in a new way. And you are going to measure results differently. Not only that, but the results that you see as you learn to look for them, and I'm going to talk about that next. May very well show up in a different order than you expect. 

So I want to talk about how to see how to find your results so that you know what's working when you are working to create real true freedom from overeating. In episode 85 where I talked about how to master your mindset to overcome emotional eating. I talked about the importance of paying attention to what it is that you are focusing your mind on. Because we see what we're looking for. Right? So if we are looking for a certain thing, that's the thing our brain is scanning our environment for. We see what we are looking for. And focusing on. And we focus on the things that we are looking for. 

And so if you are looking over this way for one particular set of results, you are so likely to miss all the other stuff that's coming up on your, on your left hand side. You can't see me pointing in this podcast, but if you're looking over to your right and all your results are showing up on your left, you're going to miss them.

So one of the things that happens in Your Missing Peace is because it's a normal human process, part of what happens sometimes on these coaching calls is helping people see. Oh, I am having results. They're hiding in plain sight. And isn't this really cool? Because not only am I having results, but they are so different from the old results. Like, oh my gosh, I got through this day with all my willpower and I was so strong and now I'm really tired. But I did it and I think I can do it again tomorrow. Right? These are different kind of results and not only is it important to help you see them, but also to celebrate, how cool I'm getting different results.

So let me give you an example of how this looked recently on a coaching call inside the Missing Peace program. A member of the program said, you know, she asked for some coaching and she said basically, I am feeling a little discouraged this week. Or I'm feeling really discouraged this week. I just feel like I'm stuck. And this is somebody who had been showing up in the program, who has been showing up in the program. Working through the training. Been really excited about the changes that she was seeing and was really feeling different. She was feeling more energy, she was feeling more in control around food. She had been making different choices where normally she would have used food to deal with her feelings. Or she would've overeaten and that wasn't happening. 

But this week she was feeling down. She said, I, I just don't feel like I'm seeing results. I'm not getting results. I'm stuck and I'm off track, and I know it's because I'm not doing what I'm supposed to do. And, I'm frustrated with myself because I overate last week. I wandered into the kitchen. I knew I wasn't hungry. I knew I was stressed. I knew I was tired. I know I've been skipping taking time for myself and because of everything going on in my life, I haven't been taking the time on my for myself, and I also know I really need it. And so I'm there in the kitchen and I thought about making a different choice, but I didn't. And so I overate, she said, and she said, you know, I didn't eat as much as I used to when I overate. I mean, it wasn't really like a binge. Which is what used to happen. And I feel better because it didn't spiral into these days of overeating that in the past I would've said, okay, I've blown it and it's all ruined, and, and that didn't happen. But I'm frustrated that this happened. And I know I'm just not doing what I know to do in that moment. I could have done these other things and I didn't use the strategies. And I should be doing more. And I'm frustrated because I'm not seeing results. 

You all, there are so many results here that you just heard. Okay? Let me start here. Change is not a one shot deal. You know this. If you are listening to this podcast, there is something you don't like about your eating or overeating or emotional eating, and it doesn't just, you know, you, you don't just snap your fingers and everything changes. Change is not a one shot deal.

And the flip side of that is you do not have to be perfect to create freedom from overeating. In fact, expecting yourself to be perfect and getting caught in that trap will, will keep you from feeling free. You are going to make changes one step at a time. So, you know, the story that I just shared with you from the Missing Peace program, there are so many wins.

First of all, as, and, and I know more about this because this is somebody who's in the group, and I've coached her before and, and I know about her journey. Right? But part of what she's describing is being aware of what is happening. She was not eating on autopilot. She was off autopilot. Which was something a month ago, which was not true for her. She was so frustrated a month ago about the fact that she was eating without thinking about it. Making decisions to overeat without thinking about it. Overeating on autopilot, she's off autopilot. That's a win. That's a result. 

The other thing that happened that she was describing without really noting it, is that her whole process of overeating, because she was stressed and overwhelmed and tired, that whole process has slowed down. Which is one of the things that needs to happen so that you can get off autopilot. But even as she's telling us this story about her eating, she's talking about noticing what's going on. Noticing that she's not hungry. Noticing that she's tired and she's overwhelmed and she's using food. Noticing that she has choices. Slowing down is a win. 

Her being able to see a pattern of her eating, oh, this is why I'm doing it. Right? Connecting with the reasons that she is finding herself in the kitchen, wanting to eat and then even choosing to eat. Seeing the pattern is something she couldn't have done two months ago. That's a win. She's off autopilot, she's slowing down, she's seeing a pattern. 

You know what else was a win? Standing there in that moment and wondering about alternatives. Actually thinking, hey, there are strategies that she has learned and by the way, in the past, practiced successfully. Things she's, you know, that are covered in the Missing Peace program that she's been working on. But being in a place where she's not on autopilot. Food actually is not the boss of her in the way it was a couple months ago. Cuz she's thinking, Hey, I have choices. That's a win. Realizing I have some power here is a win. And I'm here to tell you that having that realization, having that awareness in the moment when you didn't used to have it, this is a win even if you don't react to it the way you want to. Right? 

Yes, she still made a choice she didn't like. She still ate some food that she was unhappy about eating. But she's also five steps ahead of where she was previously. She's not on autopilot. She has slowed things down. She sees reasons and she understands a pattern in her eating. She wonders about alternatives and she has learned about some strategies. So she realizes I have some choices in this moment. And in this moment she didn't make the choice that she wanted to. 

Okay? She wasn't perfect. And there are results here. It doesn't have to be perfect. It won't be perfect. You won't always make the choice that you want to make. And it is so important to give yourself credit for the wins. So my client that I'm talking about here, this Missing Peace member, she wasn't quite in sync with what she wanted to be that day. Right? She didn't make the exact choice she wanted in this situation, but she is getting results. And there are more of them. 

As she started telling this story in her mind, in her brain, this was a total fail. Right? But there were all these wins. There were all these things that were different than they were a couple months ago.

Also, she's making choices that she feels good about in more situations than she used to. Yes, this one didn't go as she would've liked to have mapped it out. But she's making more choices that feel good than she used to. That is a win. That is a result. 

She didn't beat herself up in the same way after this situation. That is also a win, right? She didn't give in to her previous perfectionism and have that cascade of overeating that lasted for days or weeks or felt like, okay, I'm going to quit the whole program altogether. Right? Because this didn't work. That's a huge win. 

What used to last for days was, was like, actually it was, I was going to say it was hours it wasn't even. It was one incident and she moved on. All of these wins, all of these results that her brain and your brain are likely to want to ignore and not count or discount. All of these things are so important because every single one of these changes and shifts and new ways of doing things make ending overeating easier.

Not only easier, they actually make ending overeating more automatic. And by ending overeating, what I'm talking about here is losing the overeating habit because you have created other habits. Which is so different from ending your overeating habit temporarily through this, you know, tons of effort and discipline and self-control that you don't know how long you can hold onto.

So these things like slowing down. And seeing a pattern. And wondering, okay, what brought me to the kitchen? Oh yeah, I'm tired and I'm overwhelmed. And actually taking a moment to think about, are there other things I could do? Even if in this moment she did not feel like she could act on those strategies. Putting her brain in that direction. Going through that process. Building that neural pathway. Building that habit pathway. All of that allows you to take your power back from food. All of that has a cumulative effect. 

You know that act of forgiving herself, which is not the word that she used, and I'm not saying you have to forgive yourself, but in the past she would not have, she would've blamed herself. She would've gone into this spiral of feeling guilty and mad at herself and more overeating. That one act of being able to move forward and even to be able to come to the Missing Peace program and ask for some coaching and talk about this. That is a huge skill. That is a huge win. 

And do you know how much overeating and do you know? I mean, I don't know how many more cycles of that vicious cycle of, okay, you know, being hard on yourself and overeating and quitting on yourself. I don't know how many of those cycles she avoided. This alone, which is one of many results we uncovered on that coaching call. This alone is a huge result and a huge win. 

And if she keeps building on that, which she is, and she will. As she builds on that, as that becomes even more a part of who she is, do you know how much freedom from overeating she is going to create? Do you know how much more peaceful her relationship with food is going to be?

If you are trying to change your eating? And stop overeating. Stop emotional eating. Stop binging. Stop eating at night. If you're trying to change your eating and you aren't seeing results, there are usually two possibilities that you should investigate.

The first is that you are trying to make these changes with your eating using a deprivation approach. That is not going to bring you lasting results. And it is not likely to be an approach that you or anybody can sustain or will want to sustain. It's not a forever approach. It's a hamster wheel. 

The second thing to explore if you aren't seeing results is that you are missing or minimizing the actual results that are happening. Don't let that happen to you. There isn't a result or a win on this journey that is too small to count. And there isn't a positive result or a win on this journey that you cannot stretch into something that is bigger and even more empowering. 

I hope this episode is helpful in helping you tune in to more of your results. And consider this permission. If you need that permission, or if it's helpful to have that permission, consider this permission to take all those results and those wins super, super seriously. Because you can grow them and they count. And when you count them and when you take them seriously, they make probably an even bigger difference than you can imagine giving yourself credit for.

And if you want more help creating a path that feels like freedom. Please check out the Missing Peace program. Because one of the problems that comes up in being able to see your results and nurture your results and stretch your results is the blind spots that make it hard to see your results. If you want more help with that, definitely check out Your Missing Peace. That's a program where we will spend six months together crafting the habits that allow you to take your power back from overeating. And allow you to see the power that you have and nourish and nurture the results that are actually easier to create than you think. Okay? 

So go look for your results and I'll talk to you soon.

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Your Missing Peace is the psychologist-designed program that provides the tools, the support, the coaching, and the confidence to create freedom from emotional eating and overeating. Finally - emotional eating help done right! Your Missing Peace is specifically designed for smart, high-achieving women who are DONE with diets, who want a lasting solution, and who are ready to take their power back from food, from overeating, and the scale. 

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